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Monkees In Texas

The Monkees head off for Texas to see
Mike's aunt, Aunt Kate.
There, they get into a middle of a land battle,
between Aunt Kate and Black Bart.
It's up to The Monkees to fend off Black Bart,
and while trying not to get shot in the process.

PETER:  "Oh boy, oh boy!  Where are we?"
MICKY:  "Huh?"
MIKE:  "We've been driving for three days."
PETER:  "Yeah?"
MIKE:  "We're in Texas."
PETER:  "Oh."
MIKE:  "This is my Aunt Kate's little green house!"
MICKY:  "Are you sure Aunt Kate won't mind us coming?"
MIKE:  "Last time I was here, she said 'drop in anytime'!!"
DAVY:  "When was that?"
MIKE:  "Spring of '54!!"

MICKY:  "Winchester .73!!"
DAVY:  "Colt .45!!"
MIKE:  "Smith and Wesson .38!!"
PETER:  "Vintage '66!!"
MIKE:  "How in the world do you expect to do anything with Vintage '66?!?"
PETER:  "You're right!  I wish I had Vintage '55!"

BLACK BART:  "Have you had enough, nesters?"
MIKE:  "The name is 'Nesmith'.  And if you're goin' to scream
out here in a middle of a war, get it right!  That's 'Nesmith'...."

PETER: "I thought Mike's name is Nester?"
MIKE: "... n-e-c-k-y-o-r-j-g ..."
AUNT KATE: "No, no, nester means farmer!  He's right he means 'nesters'!!"
MIKE:  "Oh, oh hey I'm sorry, ah, I didn't realize, you know,
and it seems you were right in the first place so go 

ahead with your speech."
BLACK BART: "I ain't goin' to quit until I drive you off your ranch!"

LUCY:  "I wouldn't be too happy about that!  They'll be back!!"
MICKY:  "But we won't!!!"
MIKE:  "Hold it guys, we gotta stay!"
OTHER THREE:  "We gotta stay!! ... why?"
MIKE: "Why, why well because the man's first obligation is to his kinfolk."
OTHER THREE: "Right!!!"
MIKE: "And because it's better to have a brave death than a cowardly life."
OTHER THREE: "Right!!!"
MIKE: "And besides that, they killed our golf cart."

AUNT KATE:  "Young man, I want to thank you for helping us!"
DAVY:  "Oh, it was my pleasure!"
MIKE:  "Oh, I'm sorry!  Aunt Kate, that's Davy Jones; Davy, Aunt Kate!"
DAVY:  "Hello!"
AUNT KATE:  "Hello, Davy!"
MIKE:  "Oh, and this is, uh, oh, I'm afraid I don't know this lady here!..Oh my!"
AUNT KATE:  "Don't you remember your baby cousin, Lucy?"
MIKE:  "Huh?  Lucy!?!  Well, what ever happened to
the bucked teeth, knobby knees, stringy hair, bad complexion,
little girl I used to hang around with?!"

AUNT KATE:  "That's your other cousin, Clarance, and she still looks the same!"
MIKE:  "Oh, merciful heavens!!"

PETER:  "Hey, Micky!  Why do I have to wear all this?"
MICKY:  "'Cause Aunt Kate said they don't like strangers!
Besides you look very psychedelic!!"

PETER:  "Oh!  How!!"
MICKY:  "It's the peace symbol and the beads mostly!  Come on, let's go!"
PETER:  "Right, Kemosabe!"

MARSHAL:  "I tell you what to do.  You go down
to the saloon and hire some outlaws!!"

MICKY:  "You, a marshal, telling me a Micky Dolenz Monkee to go
to a common, ordinary bar and hire common, ordinary criminals?!?"

MARSHAL:  "That's what I do whenever I need a posse!!"

CARTWHEEL:  "Hey, water my horse, will you, son?"
DAVY:  "Water your horse?!?  I'm not a stable boy!!"
CARTWHEEL:  "I don't care about your mental condition, water my horse!!"

MICKY:  "Sling me a shot of Red Eye, bartender!!
!  !  !
"Sling me a sponge, bartender!!"
BARTENDER:  "What's yours, Injun?"
PETER:  "Milk!  And leave 'um bottled!!"

PETER:  "Black Bart's coming!!  Black Bart's coming!!"
DAVY:  "Peter, what are you doing with a horse in the house?!"
PETER:  "I went to the barn, but there wasn't anybody there!!"
AUNT KATE(to CAMERA):  "Isn't that dumb?!"

PETER:  *Davy should have gotten help by now!!*
MICKY:  *Yeah, right!*
"All right, where's this 'Black Bart'?  I got a cool eye, an' a mean hand, an' an itchy trigger finger!!"
BLACK BART:  "Here I am!!  What are you going to do about that itchy trigger finger?!"
MICKY:  "Oh, I don't know!  I'd thought I'd put some talcum powder on it,
and scratch it for a couple of hours!!  I'm sure it will go away!!"

AUNT KATE:  "I saw them breeding right around here, and then they started dying!!"
MIKE:  "I'll take this dirt into town.  I'll have it analyzed. 
When I get back, I'll know one of two things!"
AUNT KATE:  "What's that?"
MIKE:  "Well, either this is a cause of a lot of your troubles,
or I'm getting my hands dirty for nothing!!"

SLICK:  "I was just at the assayer's office, and they know about the oil!!"
MICKY:  "Oil!!  Oh, ah-ha, that's why they want Aunt Kate to move 
off her ranch, there's oil on them bar ranch!!"
PETER:  "But what good will an oil well or even a string of oil wells do you?"
BLACK BART:  "Give me the one thing I want more
than anything else in the world!!"
PETER:  "What could that be?"
BLACK BART:  "Statehood ... for my ranch!!"

MIKE:  "Don't shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!"
DAVY:  "What if they're wearing masks?"
MIKE:  "Don't shoot until you see the whites of their masks!!"
<= No rifles were hurt during the making of this film.