"Oh boy, oh boy! Where are we?"
MIKE: "We've been driving for three days."
MIKE: "We're in Texas."
MIKE: "This is my Aunt Kate's little green house!"
MICKY: "Are you sure Aunt Kate won't mind us coming?"
MIKE: "Last time I was here, she said 'drop in anytime'!!"
DAVY: "When was that?"
MIKE: "Spring of '54!!"
MICKY: "Winchester .73!!"
DAVY: "Colt .45!!"
MIKE: "Smith and Wesson .38!!"
PETER: "Vintage '66!!"
MIKE: "How in the world do you expect to do anything with Vintage '66?!?"
PETER: "You're right! I wish I had Vintage '55!"
BLACK BART: "Have you had enough, nesters?"
MIKE: "The name is 'Nesmith'. And if you're goin' to scream
out here in a middle of a war, get it right! That's 'Nesmith'...."
PETER: "I thought Mike's name is Nester?"
MIKE: "... n-e-c-k-y-o-r-j-g ..."
AUNT KATE: "No, no, nester means farmer! He's right he means 'nesters'!!"
MIKE: "Oh, oh hey I'm sorry, ah, I didn't realize, you know,
and it seems you were right in the first place so go
ahead with your speech."
BLACK BART: "I ain't goin' to quit until I drive you off your ranch!"
LUCY: "I wouldn't be too happy about that! They'll be back!!"
MICKY: "But we won't!!!"
MIKE: "Hold it guys, we gotta stay!"
OTHER THREE: "We gotta stay!! ... why?"
MIKE: "Why, why well because the man's first obligation is to his kinfolk."
OTHER THREE: "Right!!!"
MIKE: "And because it's better to have a brave death than a cowardly life."
OTHER THREE: "Right!!!"
MIKE: "And besides that, they killed our golf cart."
AUNT KATE: "Young man, I want to thank you for helping us!"
DAVY: "Oh, it was my pleasure!"
MIKE: "Oh, I'm sorry! Aunt Kate, that's Davy Jones; Davy, Aunt Kate!"
AUNT KATE: "Hello, Davy!"
MIKE: "Oh, and this is, uh, oh, I'm afraid I don't know this lady here!..Oh my!"
AUNT KATE: "Don't you remember your baby cousin, Lucy?"
MIKE: "Huh? Lucy!?! Well, what ever happened to
the bucked teeth, knobby knees, stringy hair, bad complexion,
little girl I used to hang around with?!"
AUNT KATE: "That's your other cousin, Clarance, and she still looks the same!"
MIKE: "Oh, merciful heavens!!"
PETER: "Hey, Micky! Why do I have to wear all this?"
MICKY: "'Cause Aunt Kate said they don't like strangers!
Besides you look very psychedelic!!"
PETER: "Oh! How!!"
MICKY: "It's the peace symbol and the beads mostly! Come on, let's go!"
PETER: "Right, Kemosabe!"
MARSHAL: "I tell you what to do. You go down
to the saloon and hire some outlaws!!"
MICKY: "You, a marshal, telling me a Micky Dolenz Monkee to go
to a common, ordinary bar and hire common, ordinary criminals?!?"
MARSHAL: "That's what I do whenever I need a posse!!"
CARTWHEEL: "Hey, water my horse, will you, son?"
DAVY: "Water your horse?!? I'm not a stable boy!!"
CARTWHEEL: "I don't care about your mental condition, water my horse!!"
MICKY: "Sling me a shot of Red Eye, bartender!!
! ! !
"Sling me a sponge, bartender!!"
BARTENDER: "What's yours, Injun?"
PETER: "Milk! And leave 'um bottled!!"
PETER: "Black Bart's coming!! Black Bart's coming!!"
DAVY: "Peter, what are you doing with a horse in the house?!"
PETER: "I went to the barn, but there wasn't anybody there!!"
AUNT KATE(to CAMERA): "Isn't that dumb?!"
PETER: *Davy should have gotten help by now!!*
MICKY: *Yeah, right!*
"All right, where's this 'Black Bart'? I got a cool eye, an' a mean hand, an' an itchy trigger finger!!"
BLACK BART: "Here I am!! What are you going to do about that itchy trigger finger?!"
MICKY: "Oh, I don't know! I'd thought I'd put some talcum powder on it,
and scratch it for a couple of hours!! I'm sure it will go away!!"
AUNT KATE: "I saw them breeding right around here, and then they started dying!!"
MIKE: "I'll take this dirt into town. I'll have it analyzed.
When I get back, I'll know one of two things!"
AUNT KATE: "What's that?"
MIKE: "Well, either this is a cause of a lot of your troubles,
or I'm getting my hands dirty for nothing!!"
SLICK: "I was just at the assayer's office, and they know about the oil!!"
MICKY: "Oil!! Oh, ah-ha, that's why they want Aunt Kate to move
off her ranch, there's oil on them bar ranch!!"
PETER: "But what good will an oil well or even a string of oil wells do you?"
BLACK BART: "Give me the one thing I want more
than anything else in the world!!"
PETER: "What could that be?"
BLACK BART: "Statehood ... for my ranch!!"
MIKE: "Don't shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!"
DAVY: "What if they're wearing masks?"
MIKE: "Don't shoot until you see the whites of their masks!!"