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Here Come The Monkees

(The Pilot Episode)

Upon visiting their manager, Rudy, at his place of business, a record store, The Monkees are informed of a gig at a country club.  To top it off, the fellows are playing for a sweet sixteen party that is being thrown for Rudy's friend's daughter.  Despite the audience demographic for this gig, The Monkees agree to audition (hey, $150 is a lot of money!).  The father, Mr. Russell, is a bit uncertain after seeing them, and really uncertain after hearing them, but he agrees to hire them after seeing his daughter, Vanessa, be so happy.  Unfortunately, Vanessa and Davy's relationship reeks havoc on Vanessa's grades in school, thus creating a problem for The Monkes with getting the gig.
[Our story begins at a modest record store ...]
RUDY:  "Woolhat, I want you to take The Monkees to the Riveria Country Club.  You're going to audition for a Mr. Russell."
MICKY: "Hey, you're putting us on!"
RUDY: "Nope!"
WOOL HAT: "Oh, really?  That's just great!"
DAVY: "Thanks, Rudy!"
RUDY:  "Charlie Russell and I were in the marines together, and it's his daughter's sweet sixteen party next week."
DAVY: "You must be joking!!!"
OTHER MONKEES (disappointed): "Sweet sixteen ..."
RUDY: "Hey, wait a minute, if you get it, it may open up a lot of work. 
And it's a hundred and fifty bucks- cash!"
MONKEES (singing):  "When you were sweeeet six-teeeennn ..."

[Monkees meet Mr. Russell at the country club.]
VANESSA:  "You must be The Monkees!"
PETER: "That's us."
DAVY: "Them."
MICKY: "Us."
VANESSA:  "Well, I'm Vanessa Russell, and this is my father."

[DAVY and VANESSA at the porch of the Russell home after they kissed.]
VANESSA:  "Tomorrow night?"
DAVY:  "I thought you said you had to study for your history final."
[VANESSA leans in for another kiss.  Door to home opens.]
RUSSELL: "I trust this isn't a start of a trend!"

[JILL, Rudy's daughter, tells the guys on the beach about Vanessa not passing her history final.]
JILL:  "She's getting a make-up final, but if she flunks that, you're out of a job!"
MICKY:  "Well, she'll pass, won't she?"
JILL:  "Uh, uh.  The only thing on her mind is Davy Jones."
MICKY: "Oh."
[DAVY throws volleyball down and walks off.]
MICKY: "Come on, we're in the middle of a game!"
WOOL HAT:  "Leave him alone.  Let him go."
PETER:  "But he--"
WOOL HAT:  "He's uptight, just let him go."

[WOOL HAT comes into the pad and discovers Davy moping.]
WOOL HAT:  "Hey, what's really the matter?"
DAVY:  "Well, she's a groovy kid!"
WOOL HAT:  "Yeah, I know."
DAVY:  "It's just now she fails her tests and all."
WOOL HAT:  "Come on, she got hung up.  You didn't hang her up!"
DAVY:  "What's the difference?  She's in trouble."
WOOL HAT:  "Okay, so what do you want to do?"
DAVY:  "I want to help her!"
[Screen door slams, standing in the doorway is MICKY and PETER.]
MICKY:  "Sure you want to help!  I want to help Peter, but I can't. He's a birdbrain!"

[At Vanessa's birthday party, her history teacher tries to talk to Mr. Russell about The Monkees after Vanessa successfully taken her make-up final.]
TEACHER:  "So, in a way, you ought to be grateful to the Monkees.  Apparently they succeeded where I failed!"
MR. RUSSELL: "I'm sorry I can't permit them to come in here."
VANESSA: "But, daddy, they're my friends!"

[MONKEES are about to enter the premises of the country club when they are headed off by the GUARD.]
GUARD:  "Hey, hey, whoa. What do you fellas want?"
DAVY:  "Vanessa Russell invited us."
GUARD:  "Sure she did.  Now, beat it!  Go on!!"
[Monkees turn around and head in the direction where they came from.  A few seconds later WOOL HAT does a 180 and confronts GUARD.]
WOOL HAT: "You're evil!"

[THE MONKEES just went over part of the wall that surrounds the country club.  GUARD has spotted them with his flashlight.]
GUARD:  "Hey ... whatya doin' there?"
[Monkees in prison outfits]
WOOL HAT:  "If they catch us, it means a life sentence!"
MICKY (crying):  "I don't want to go back in the hole!"
DAVY:  "You dirty, rotten screw!"
PEtER:  "You can't take us alive!!"
MICKY (surrendering):  "Come and get us, guard!  Come and get us!!!"

[The Monkees are in disguise from Russell and the guard as famous gunfighters playing a card game.  DAVY = BAT MASTERSON, PETER = WYATT EARP, MICKY = SHENANDOAH, WOOL HAT = PALLADIN]
BAT:  "Okay, Wyatt, whatcha got?"
WYATT: "Three queens."
BAT (shakes head):  "No good.  A straight to the 10."
SHENANDOAH:  "'Fraid you lose, Bat.  All red ones."
[SHENANDOAH about to take pile.]
PALLADIN:  "Hold it.  That's my pile.  I got a chandelier."
SHENANDOAH:  "A chandelier?!?  What's that?"
[PALLADIN pulls out gun and fires at hanging chandlier.  Plaster from ceiling falls unto other card players.  The other three gun players high tail it out of there, while PALLADIN takes the pile of chips.]

[MONKEES are just given permission to be at the club.  However, Sven and the Swedish Kings are already playing!]
MICKY (to PETER):  "How are we going to get Sven and the Swedish Kings off the bandstand??"
WOOL HAT (off camera):  "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please (on-camera).  I regret to inform you that Norway has just declared war on Sweden.  All Swedish nationals must report to their embassy."
<= No chandeliers were maimed during the making of this film.