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Monkees At The Movies

Famous beach movie director Luther Kramm intends to make another movie that is "just not another beach movie".  He and his assistant, Philo, spot The Monkees on the beach, doing something that must be the latest dance craze.  Thinking he spotted a bunch of hip teenagers, he asks The Monkees to be extras in his latest production, but they accept only after Kramm makes them an offer that four out-of-work musicians can't refuse.  Hollywood has its share of tight-ass actors, and Frankie Catalina is no exception.  After being accused of upstaging Frankie at a volleyball scene and being verbally abused by the star, our boys decide to let Frankie see how screwed up things can really be for him.  Frankie cries conspiracy against his "million dollar image" and quits, but Kramm has to find somebody to replace him- fast!

[PHILO introduces LUTHER KRAMM to The Monkees, after KRAMM spots them doing a new dance.] 
PHILO: "Boys, say hello to Luthur Kramm!  Mr. Kramm gave you 'Beach Party Honeymoon'!"
PETER: "You didn't give it to us!  We had to pay for it!!" 
MIKE:  "Yeah, it costs us eighty cents at a drive-in!" 
KRAMM:  "Well, it was worth it, wasn't it?" 
MIKE:  "Uh- you owe me sixty cents!" 
KRAMM: "How'd you teenagers like to appear as extras in my new picture?" 
DAVY:  "I don't think we'd be interested in a beach movie." 
KRAMM: "This isn't just another beach movie.  This is a cinema landmark!  It's about sadness!  And pain!  And cruelty!  All the things that make life worthwhile!" 
PETER: "Nope, definitely not!"
MIKE:  "Nope, no way!"
PETER: "No, sorry!"
DAVY:  "Not a chance!"
MICKY: "Not a chance!" 
KRAMM: "Pays $30 a day!" 

[MONKEES first arrive on the movie set.] 
MICKY (a la Robin Leach): "Here we are in the land of make-believe!  Look at that rock, it's a phony rock!  Look at that fish, it's a phony fish! [Beautiful girl walks past them]  Look at that girl-- oh yeah!!!" 

[MONKEES walk up to PHILO before the scene is filmed.] 
PHILO:  Well, it looks like another hit for Luther Kramm!  That Frankie Catalina is terrific, you know, he's soo versatile!" 
MIKE:  "He is?  He doesn't sing, does he?" 
PHILO:  "No, we dubbed his voice." 
MICKY:  "What about his surfing?" 
PHILO:  "No, he's afraid of the water." 
DAVY:  "He gets his way with women." 
PHILO:  "No, um, girls make him break out into a rash actually." 
PETER: "Why is he so popular??" 
PHILO:  "Are you kidding?  He's a perfect teenager!" 

[FRANKIE puts three Monkees in their place after they try to defend Davy to FRANKIE.] 
FRANKIE:  "Just who do you think you guys are? [to PETER] You and your silly expressions! [to MIKE] You with that, that silly, green bonnet! [to MICKY] And you, scarecrow in shorts!  Just remember, you guys, you're a dime-a-dozen extras and I'm a star!!" 
[FRANKIE walks off.] 
MICKY (to DAVY):  "You have change for a dime?" 

[THE MONKEES are at their pad.] 
PETER:  "He has no right to act that way!  Who does he think he is??" 
SHAKESPEAREAN MICKY:  "No longer shall we suffer the slings of arrows of the outrageous Catalina!  On the marrow, we will show that popinjay, he doesth abuse The Monkees at his own perils!" 
PETER:  "What does that mean?" 
MICKY:  "The Monkees strike back!" 

[In the viewing room after the FRANKIE sees the dailies ...] 
FRANKIE:  "It's a conspiracy, and you're part of it Kramm!" 
KRAMM:  "Oh, no, Frankie, don't say that!" 
FRANKIE:  "Oh, I never know you'd go this far, ruining the film and my million dollar image!" 
KRAMM:  "Frankie, you're out wrought!" 
FRANKIE:  "Well, I don't have to put up with it!  I'm walking out of my contract.  I can do a mystery at Mammoth Studios!!" 

[Meanwhile back at the Monkees' pad ...] 
PETER:  "You know, it's going to be tough to replace a man like Frankie.  After all, where can you find a guy that can't sing, act or surf?" 
MIKE:  "You can go out for the part, Davy!" 
DAVY:  "You must be joking!!" 

[MICKY, MIKE, and PETER drag DAVY out of the bedroom.] 
DAVY:  "I'm telling you, I don't want to be a star!!" 
MIKE:  "Okay, nobody's forcing you to be a star.  One of us'll be a star!" 
MICKY:  "Great!" 
PETER (jumping up): "Pick me!" 
MIKE:  "Down, Peter!  The fair thing we should do is draw straws." 
[They go to a table.] 
MIKE:  "Okay, everybody draw a straw!" 
[True to word, each Monkee draws a straw, with a pencil and paper.] 
MIKE:  "Oh, Davy, you drew the short straw!" 
DAVY (to camera):  "Story of my life!" 



[While walking on the beach, KRAMM and PHILO are looking through publicity shots of potential male stars.  MIKE and PETER are sitting some yards off; PETER has a stack of albums in his lap while MIKE only has one album.] 
PETER:  "Well, what do you want?  I've offered you my Lovin' Spoonful collection, my Blind Lemon Jefferson collection, my Bobby Dylan records, and this prize of my collection, Bobby Darin Sings His Bankbook!" 
MIKE:  "Throw in the Stones!" 
PETER: "Okay!" 
[PETER hands MIKE his huge stack of albums, and MIKE hands PETER his one album.] 
KRAMM (grabs the one album):  "Let me see that!  [Reads:] Davy Jones Sings!" 

[MICKY, MIKE, and PETER arrive at KRAMM's trailer dressed in suits.  KRAMM is outside, sitting at a table while looking at publicity shots of potential stars.]
MICKY:  "Dolenz, Reporter!"
MIKE:  "Nesmith, Variety!"
PETER:  "Tork, Hanger-on!"
MICKY:  "What these interviewers want to know, Kramm, is who will be replacing Frankie Catalina!"
MIKE:  "After all you are the greatest judge of acting talent in Hollywood, and you know your own mind!"
KRAMM:  "Well, I'm thinking of using Terry Bishop."
MIKE (appalled):  "That no talent!?"
MICKY:  "He's no Davy Jones!"
KRAMM:  "Or perhaps Tony Davenport."
MICKY:  "A teenage failure!  He's made so much B pictures, he's getting fan mail from The Hornets!"
MIKE:  "And he's no Davy Jones either!"
KRAMM:  "How about Billy Tibias?"
MICKY:  "Well ..."
MIKE:  "I don't know, he looks a little like Davy Jones."
PETER:  "Here's something, Freddy Freeman!  I've seen all his movies!"
KRAMM:  "I don't know, he's no Davy Jones!" 

[KRAMM and PHILO have just listened to Davy being in the top three spots on the radio.]
KRAMM:  "That settles it, we've got our star!  Such energy!  Such excitement!"
PHILO:  "You're right, LK!  He's a great disc jockey!"
KRAMM:  "Not the disc jockey!  Davy Jones!"
PHILO:  "Oh."
KRAMM:  "Are you sure you're my nephew?"
No albums were intentionally maimed during the making of this film.