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Case of The Missing Monkee

During a banquet, Peter is fascinated by
Professor Schnitzler's speech. While trying to find the mysteriously
disappeared scientist, Peter turns up missing in the same room!
The only clue is a note pointing towards
the Remington Clinic.  After trying to locate Peter
and the professor via a nurse, the three Monkees go
under cover as patients.  After going through
grueling physical therapy and finding Peter(with a warped brain),
they help Peter remember and find out what's going
to happen to the professor.
Several chase scenes later, evil Dr. Marcovitch
and his henchman are captured and get a lesson on good vs. evil.

SCHNITZLER:  "So, again, let me thank you for this banquet!
As a humble man of science, all I can say is, war is war, peace is peace,
and science is, uh, science!!"

PETER(to MIKE):  "You know, I never heard it
put quite that way before!"


PETER:  "A funny thing happened to me on the way to the bandstand!"
MIKE:  "We got to play!"
PETER:  "The professor gave me this sheet of paper!"
MIKE:  "Yeah, well, read it later!  We got to play!"


DAVY:  "You know, it's not like Peter to take off in the middle of a gig!"
MICKY:  "Man, he sure takes a lot of lookin' after!"
MIKE:  "I don't know, no more than your average aircraft carrier!!"


NURSE:  "Uh, yes, boys?  Can I help you?"
DAVY:  "Oh, yes!"
MICKY:  "Yeah, we're--"
DAVY:  "Um..."
MICKY:  "Um..."
DAVY:  "See, it's we're, um--"
MICKY:  "We wanted--"
DAVY:  "No, no, listen -- let me do it, will you please?
We're looking for a friend of ours.  His name is Peter Tork
and we have reason to believe that he came here looking for
Professor Schn-- ..."

MICKY:  "Schnampler, no, uh, it's Schn--"
NURSE:  "Schnitzler?"
MICKY:  "Yeah!!"
DAVY:  "Right, right!!"
NURSE:  "I'm sorry, there's no Professor Schnitzler here!
Uh, what does you young friend look like?"

MIKE:  "Well, he's, you know, he's about five-ten, he's got light-brown hair, and sort of, uh, bright-green eyes, and uh a little button nose!"
DAVY:  "He buttons it right over his lower lip!"
MICKY:  "He is very emotional!"
MIKE:  "Yeah, he cries over card tricks!"
NURSE:  "Ohhhhh!  What did you say his name was?"
ALL THREE:  "Tork!"
NURSE:  "Um, Taylor, Thompson, Titlebound, Tinker--"
MICKY:  "Hey, that's pretty good!!  Can you say,
She sells seashells by the seashore?"

NURSE:  "I'm sorry!  I can't help you!!  If you're friend
is missing, I suggest you go to the police!!"


CHINESE:  "Perhaps humbled servant can be of assistant to police?"
POLICEMAN:  "These kids said that their friend disappeared
from here this afternoon while they were playing for a banquet!"

MIKE:  "Well, we did!!"
CHINESE:  "Must be big mistake!  Honorable
establishment closed of today!"

MICKY:  "Closed?!  Today?!!"
CHINESE:  "Unless, honorable officer want food!  I can bring you
fried rice, chicken chow mein, won-ton soup!"

MICKY:  "Never mind that!!  Do you have Schnizler, here???"
CHINESE:  "Uh, no!!  We have fried rice,
chicken chow mein, won-ton soup!!"
POLICEMAN:  "I think you kids are in the wrong place!
Now don't bother anymore policemen until you know where you were!"


MICKY:  "Nurse!!  My friend has been in a terrible accident!
He has broken bones, loss of blood, and he's suffering from
terrible pain!"
DAVY:  "Uhhh!!"

NURSE:  "Uh, name please!"
DAVY:  "David Jones!"
NURSE:  "Uh, address?"
ALL THREE:  "What?"
DAVY:  "1438 North Beachwood!"
NURSE:  "I don't suppose you know your zip code?"
MIKE:  "What, his zip code?!??  Are you kidding??  He's got
broken bones and things, and we've got to get him inside!!"

NURSE:  "Please!!!  I've got a job to do!!  Occupation?"
MICKY:  "Ah, he's a musician!"

NURSE:  "A musician!!  I love the .. tuba!!"
MICKY:  "Miss, he's been in an accident!!"
NURSE:  "Oh, well let's see, I don't suppose you're
old enough to qualify under medicare!"

DAVY:  "Well, I wasn't when I came in here, but uh..."
NURSE:  "All right, sign here!"


DAVY:  "Hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute!!  Do you realize
this is a crime?  This is breaking and entering!!"
MICKY:  "So, what do you want to do?  Do you want to run home
where it is safe, and leave Peter in trouble all alone?"
DAVY:  "Of course not."
MICKY:  "It's just a suggestion!"


BRUNO:  "What about him?"
PETER:  "Yeah, what about me?!"
BRUNO:  "Shut up!!"
PETER:  "You can't do that to me!  I need love and understanding!
My mother rejected me, my sister resented me,
I've lost all my confidence, and NOW this operation!?"
MARCOVITCH: "What is that?!"
PETER: "Ben Casey, Act One!!"



MIKE:  "Listen, we haven't a minute to spare!

We've got to get out there and find Peter!!"
TELEPHONE rings
Hello?  Yeah, Bruno just gave us physical therapy!
Yeah, Peter's still somewhere in the hospital!
Yeah, Dr. Schnitzler is still missing!  Oh, okay, good-bye!!"
MICKY:  "That was the police?"
MIKE:  "No, TV Guide!"

MIKE:  "Well, we've looked everywhere for him, man, can't find him!"

MICKY:  "I'm going to give up all hope!"
DAVY:  "I guess we'll never see ol' Peter again!"
MIKE:  "Well, we might as well -- hey, Pete!!!"
DAVY:  "Peter!!"
MICKY:  "Peter?"
MIKE:  "Pete!?"
PETER:  "I've never seen you guys before, in my life!!"

ALL THREE:  "BOO!!!"

PETER:  "What are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?"
DAVY:  "Look, sorry, Peter, we're just trying to help you!!"
PETER:  "It's all right, Micky!!"
DAVY:  "Micky!!  He knows me, he knows me!!  No, I'm Davy."

PETER:  "Wait, wait, my memory, ha!  We don't have any time,
we don't have any time!  We've got to get, they're going to smuggle
the professor out of the country tonight!!"

MIKE: "Besides, Dr. Marcovitch is an evil man!"

MICKY: "Well what about me?!"
DAVY: "You're not evil; is he, Mike?"
MIKE: "No, he's not evil; crafty and selfish, maybe, but he's not evil!"

DR. MIKE:  "Suture!"

DAVY:  "Suture!"
DR. MIKE:  "Sponge!"
DAVY:  "Sponge!"
DR. MIKE:  "Knife!"
DAVY:  "Knife!"
DR. MIKE:  "Oow!!  Try it again, or you'll never learn!!  Knife!"

DAVY:  "Knife!"
DR. MIKE:  "Peanut Butter!"
DAVY:  "Peanut Butter!"
MARCOVITCH:  "Now, he is my patient!!"
DR. MIKE:  "What do you mean, it's my, he's my patient!!
It says so right here on the menu: 'My Patient'!!"

MICKY:  "And as for you, Dr. Marcovitch, for helping America's enemies, you should undoubtedly get twenty years from a federal judge!"
MIKE:  "And not only that, not only that, you'll probably get

a good wrist slapping from the AMA!!"
MICKY:  "And thus, will it always end for men who use their

knowledge of medicine for evil and badness!" 
MIKE:  "Come, my trusty cohorts, let us to the Monkeemobile, away!!"

MICKY and DAVY:  "Ha-way!!"

<= Peter did not actually have amnesia while filming this episode.