|[We see Peter, Peasant of Tork, standing around daydreaming.]
NARRATOR: "The reason Peter was out of work was because of the princess.
He was so in love with here he couldn't concentrate on getting a job!"
MIKE: "Peter?! Peter! Listen!"
MIKE: "You gotta stop dreaming about that princess, man!
She's a high borne monarch and you're not!"
PETER: "I can't help it, Michael, for I love her so deeply that
I would cut off my right arm just to please her!"
[A blonde Princess Gwen, with dark sideburns, comes into town in her carriage - which eventually gets stuck in the mud]
MIKE: "Oh, wow!! What a great looking chick!!"
PETER: "She's beautiful!!"
PRINCESS: "Harold, get me out of the mud, will you please?!?!?"
MIKE: "She's the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on!! Cool sideburns..."
DAVY: "Cool it!"
MIKE: "Cool body!!"
DAVY: "Cool it, Mike!! Cool it!!"
[Spoiled Princess crying out of the window of her carriage]
PRINCESS: "Look, somebody come get me out of the mud!!"
PETER: "Oh, fair princess!! I have loved you from afar
lo' these many moons!! May I carry you across the mud?"
PRINCESS: "What?!?! You CARRY me across the mud?!?
Ha-ha!! I'm a princess! You're nothing but a lowly little
peasant, a way-ward serf, the lowest of the low!!!"
PETER (brightly): "So you've heard of me?"
PRINCESS: "I will honor your spine with a walk across it! Down peasant!!"
PETER: "My spine thanks you!!"
[One of the Princess's knights seeks nourishment for her highness]
HAROLD: "Ha!! Innkeeper, ho!! Innkeeper! Innkeeper!"
MICKY: "What ho, sire?"
HAROLD: "Grovel, grovel!!!"
MICKY: "No, not gravel! Concrete tile!!"
HAROLD: "Meat! Wine! Creamed spinach and a surprise dessert!!"
MICKY: "Ah, but sire, this is but a poor inn, we don't have such things!"
HAROLD: "Well, then send out for sandwiches!!"
MICKY: "Right, sandwiches, yeah!!"
[HAROLD returns with food, and spots Peter's back across the mud]
HAROLD: "Vittles for thou sweet princess! Oh glad to see your back!!"
PETER: "It's good to be back!!"
PRINCESS: "Oh, my very favorite, leftovers!!!"
HAROLD: "T'is time we were away!!"
PRINCESS: "Hold it just a minute, buster!! Never let it be said that
a princess didn't reward a favor!!"
[PRINCESS tosses her gaudy locket down to the prostate Peter]
PETER (in awe): "What's this?!"
PRINCESS (indifferent): "Junk!!"
PETER: "I don't deserve it!!"
PRINCESS: "Yes, I'm hip, but wear it anyways - it looks good on you!!"
[PETER runs to his fellow paupers after hearing HAROLD's plot to do away with the Princess]
PETER: "He's going to murder her in the Tower, a remote castle
protected by a scary forest and a mo-moat and an impenetrable dragon!"
DAVY: "What kind of dragon, Peter?"
PETER: "An im - P - enetrable dragon!!"
DAVY: "So, what are you going to do, Peter?"
PETER: "I'm going to miss her when she's gone!!"
[A FAIRY has been summoned out of the locket, but she has to go back and finish getting her hair done]
DAVY: "Wait, wait, wait!! You don't understand, Princess Gwen,
she's really in trouble, she's in danger!!"
FAIRY-OF-THE-LOCKET: "Gwen...Gwen...Oh, the one that's always complaining!!"
MICKY: "Yeah, that's right!!"
FAIRY: "The selfish, conceited, over-bearing one, oh, with the Texas accent!"
PETER: "That's the one!!"
MICKY: "Yeah, right!!"
FAIRY: "Well, let's do something!! She's got a lot on the ball!"
[HANSEL and GRETEL skipping along in the forest, and comes up to a strange looking house]
HANSEL: "Look! A gingerbread house made out of cookies, candies and things!!
Do you say we should eat some?? I'm hungry!!"
GRETEL: "I don't think so, Hansel!!"
HANSEL: "Why not? Are you afraid the wicked witch is going to jump out of
the forest and turn us into gingerbread men because we ate her house?"
GRETEL: "No, it's just that sweets make me break out!!"
[After obtaining magically protected armour, sword, and shoes, PETER stands at HAROLD's drawbridge that is guarded by a biped, riddling dragon.]
PETER: "I'm not very good at riddles!"
DRAGON: "Are you better at gettin' eaten?? Ha-ha!!
What has two ears, two eyes, and a very short life?"
PETER (intellectually stumped): "I don't know."
DRAGON: "Close enough! (to the guards) Lower the drawbridge!!"
[After solving the riddle and defeating one of Harold's knights, PETER rushes towards the oppressive tower.]
PETER: "That must be the tall tower where the maiden lies languishing!!"
PRINCESS (what passes for woe): "Yes, here I am!! Languish, languish!"
PETER : "In a dim-lit cell.."
PRINCESS (what passes for woe): "This cell is so dimly lit!!"
PETER: "..with her spirit unbroken!!"
PRINCESS (with a lot of gusto): "Man, you better get me out of here, or you're in big trouble!!!!"
[PETER has reached the PRINCESS and freed her from the chains]
PETER (with urgency): "Princess, quickly!! Before Harold and Richard get here!!
We can away through the window out to freedom!!"
PRINCESS: "Okay -- wait a minute!! (incredulously) Out the window?!!
Not a chance, buster!! I'm afraid of heights!"
PETER: "Oh, you have nothing to fear as long as I have this magic locket!!"
PRINCESS: "Magic locket??"
PETER: "Yes! The one you gave me!"
PRINCESS (in utter disbelief): "I gave you that?!"
PRINCESS (full denial): I don't give anybody a magic locket!"
PRINCESS (very bossy): "It was a loan!! Give it back!!"
PRINCESS (indignant): "Fork it over, buster!!!"
[HAROLD and his knight, RICHARD, have cornered PETER and the PRINCESS]
PETER: "I will protect you! Ow! My sword's stuck give me the locket!!"
PRINCESS: "You're going to fight them with a magic locket?! You might as well
do a dance to the Spring!!! No siree-bob-baby, the locket stays with me!!"
PETER: "Come on, give me the locket!!!!"
PRINCESS: "Not on your life!!!"
HAROLD: "Ahh, nothing, nothing that you can do will save her!"
PETER (crushed): "So it seems!!"
PRINCESS (with spoiled pride): "I keep the locket!!"
HAROLD (to Gwen): "And as for you, I have planned a gruesome, torturous, painful death!!"
PRINCESS: "Do you realize, of course, Harold, that
this means we're through! Absolutely tha-rough!"
[A blond, yet hairy, GOLDILOCKS runs through the forest and into the tailor]
GOLDILOCKS: "Help! Help! Help me, woodsman; oh, help me!!
There's two bears chasing me from their house!!"
DAVY (puzzled): "Two bears?! I thought there were three bears?"
GOLDILOCKS (saucy): "Yeah, well, the Papa Bear kinda wanted me to hang around!"
[The village people arrive at the tower before the Princess and Peter are tossed off the roof.]
MICKY: "Oh, Peter, we are here to save you!!"
MIKE: "Hey, Pete!!"
PETER: "Micky!! Davy!! Pete -- uh, Mike!! You've come!!"
[Well, that wraps up another laugh-riot...]
MIKE: "Well, that wraps up another laugh-riot, and this is..."
MICKY: "...Mike Nesmith..."
MIKE: "...Micky Dolenz..."
DAVY: "...and Peter Tork..."
PETER: "...and Davy Jones..."
MIKE(???): "...and Micky Dolenz..."
MIKE(???): "...reminding you to save the Texas Prairie Chicken!!"