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Fairy Tale

Who speaks first Hansel or Gretel?Once upon a time, there were four
paupers living in a kingdom called 
Avon-On Calling. It was ruled by 
a tough, mostly blonde Princess Gwen.
However, the knights who served 
under the Princess, did not like the 
working conditions and planned to do 
away with her!  Princess Gwen's only
hope was a foolish pauper named Peter, who was very smitten by her.

[We see Peter, Peasant of Tork, standing around daydreaming.]
NARRATOR:  "The reason Peter was out of work was because of the princess.
He was so in love with here he couldn't concentrate on getting a job!"
MIKE:  "Peter?!  Peter!  Listen!"
PETER:  "Huh?"
MIKE:  "You gotta stop dreaming about that princess, man!  
She's a high borne monarch and you're not!"
PETER:  "I can't help it, Michael, for I love her so deeply that
I would cut off my right arm just to please her!"

[A blonde Princess Gwen, with dark sideburns, comes into town in her carriage - which eventually gets stuck in the mud]
MIKE:  "Oh, wow!!  What a great looking chick!!"
PETER:  "She's beautiful!!"
PRINCESS:  "Harold, get me out of the mud, will you please?!?!?"
MIKE:  "She's the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on!!  Cool sideburns..."
DAVY:  "Cool it!"
MIKE:  "Cool body!!"
DAVY:  "Cool it, Mike!!  Cool it!!"

[Spoiled Princess crying out of the window of her carriage]
PRINCESS:  "Look, somebody come get me out of the mud!!"
PETER:  "Oh, fair princess!!  I have loved you from afar 
lo' these many moons!!  May I carry you across the mud?"
PRINCESS:  "What?!?!  You CARRY me across the mud?!?  
Ha-ha!!  I'm a princess!  You're nothing but a lowly little 
peasant, a way-ward serf, the lowest of the low!!!"
PETER (brightly):  "So you've heard of me?"
PRINCESS:  "I will honor your spine with a walk across it!  Down peasant!!"
PETER:  "My spine thanks you!!"

[One of the Princess's knights seeks nourishment for her highness]

HAROLD:  "Ha!!  Innkeeper, ho!!  Innkeeper!  Innkeeper!"
MICKY:  "What ho, sire?"
HAROLD:  "Grovel, grovel!!!"
MICKY:  "No, not gravel! Concrete tile!!"
HAROLD:  "Meat!  Wine!  Creamed spinach and a surprise dessert!!"
MICKY:  "Ah, but sire, this is but a poor inn, we don't have such things!"
HAROLD:  "Well, then send out for sandwiches!!"
MICKY:  "Right, sandwiches, yeah!!"

[HAROLD returns with food, and spots Peter's back across the mud]
HAROLD:  "Vittles for thou sweet princess!  Oh glad to see your back!!"
PETER:  "It's good to be back!!"
HAROLD:  "Food!!"
PRINCESS:  "Oh, my very favorite, leftovers!!!"
HAROLD:  "T'is time we were away!!"
PRINCESS:  "Hold it just a minute, buster!!  Never let it be said that
a princess didn't reward a favor!!"
[PRINCESS tosses her gaudy locket down to the prostate Peter]
PETER (in awe):  "What's this?!"
PRINCESS (indifferent):  "Junk!!"
PETER:  "I don't deserve it!!"
PRINCESS:  "Yes, I'm hip, but wear it anyways - it looks good on you!!"

[PETER runs to his fellow paupers after hearing HAROLD's plot to do away with the Princess]
PETER:  "He's going to murder her in the Tower, a remote castle
protected by a scary forest and a mo-moat and an impenetrable dragon!"
DAVY:  "What kind of dragon, Peter?"
PETER:  "An im - P - enetrable dragon!!"
DAVY:  "So, what are you going to do, Peter?"
PETER:  "I'm going to miss her when she's gone!!"

[A FAIRY has been summoned out of the locket, but she has to go back and finish getting her hair done]
DAVY:  "Wait, wait, wait!!  You don't understand, Princess Gwen, 
she's really in trouble, she's in danger!!"
FAIRY-OF-THE-LOCKET:  "Gwen...Gwen...Oh, the one that's always complaining!!"
MICKY:  "Yeah, that's right!!"
FAIRY:  "The selfish, conceited, over-bearing one, oh, with the Texas accent!"
PETER:  "That's the one!!"
MICKY:  "Yeah, right!!"
FAIRY:  "Well, let's do something!!  She's got a lot on the ball!"

[HANSEL and GRETEL skipping along in the forest, and comes up to a strange looking house]
HANSEL:  "Look!  A gingerbread house made out of cookies, candies and things!!
Do you say we should eat some??  I'm hungry!!"
GRETEL:  "I don't think so, Hansel!!"
HANSEL:  "Why not?  Are you afraid the wicked witch is going to jump out of 
the forest and turn us into gingerbread men because we ate her house?"
GRETEL:  "No, it's just that sweets make me break out!!"

[After obtaining magically protected armour, sword, and shoes, PETER stands at HAROLD's drawbridge that is guarded by a biped, riddling dragon.]
PETER:  "I'm not very good at riddles!"
DRAGON:  "Are you better at gettin' eaten??  Ha-ha!!
What has two ears, two eyes, and a very short life?"
PETER (intellectually stumped):  "I don't know."
DRAGON:  "Close enough!  (to the guards) Lower the drawbridge!!"

[After solving the riddle and defeating one of Harold's knights, PETER rushes towards the oppressive tower.]
PETER:  "That must be the tall tower where the maiden lies languishing!!"
PRINCESS (what passes for woe):  "Yes, here I am!!  Languish, languish!"
PETER :  "In a dim-lit cell.."
PRINCESS (what passes for woe):  "This cell is so dimly lit!!"
PETER:  "..with her spirit unbroken!!"
PRINCESS (with a lot of gusto):  "Man, you better get me out of here, or you're in big trouble!!!!"

[PETER has reached the PRINCESS and freed her from the chains]
PETER (with urgency):  "Princess, quickly!!  Before Harold and Richard get here!!
We can away through the window out to freedom!!"
PRINCESS:  "Okay -- wait a minute!! (incredulously)   Out the window?!!
Not a chance, buster!!  I'm afraid of heights!"
PETER:  "Oh, you have nothing to fear as long as I have this magic locket!!"
PRINCESS:  "Magic locket??"
PETER:  "Yes!  The one you gave me!"
PRINCESS (in utter disbelief): "I gave you that?!"
PETER:  "Yeah!!"
PRINCESS (full denial):  I don't give anybody a magic locket!"
PETER:  "Huh?!?"
PRINCESS (very bossy):  "It was a loan!!  Give it back!!"
PETER?!!!
PRINCESS (indignant):  "Fork it over, buster!!!"

[HAROLD and his knight, RICHARD, have cornered PETER and the PRINCESS]
PETER:  "I will protect you!  Ow!  My sword's stuck give me the locket!!"
PRINCESS:  "You're going to fight them with a magic locket?!  You might as well
do a dance to the Spring!!!  No siree-bob-baby, the locket stays with me!!"
PETER:  "Come on, give me the locket!!!!"
PRINCESS:  "Not on your life!!!"
HAROLD:  "Ahh, nothing, nothing that you can do will save her!"
PETER (crushed):  "So it seems!!"
PRINCESS (with spoiled pride):  "I keep the locket!!"
HAROLD (to Gwen):  "And as for you, I have planned a gruesome, torturous, painful death!!"
PRINCESS:  "Do you realize, of course, Harold, that
this means we're through!  Absolutely tha-rough!"

[A blond, yet hairy, GOLDILOCKS runs through the forest and into the tailor]
GOLDILOCKS:  "Help!  Help!  Help me, woodsman; oh, help me!!
There's two bears chasing me from their house!!"
DAVY (puzzled):  "Two bears?!  I thought there were three bears?"
GOLDILOCKS (saucy):  "Yeah, well, the Papa Bear kinda wanted me to hang around!"

[The village people arrive at the tower before the Princess and Peter are tossed off the roof.]
MICKY:  "Oh, Peter, we are here to save you!!"
MIKE:  "Hey, Pete!!"
PETER:  "Micky!!  Davy!!  Pete -- uh, Mike!! You've come!!"

[Well, that wraps up another laugh-riot...]
MIKE:  "Well, that wraps up another laugh-riot, and this is..."
MICKY:  "...Mike Nesmith..."
MIKE:  "...Micky Dolenz..."
DAVY:  "...and Peter Tork..."
PETER:  "...and Davy Jones..."
MIKE(???):  "...and Micky Dolenz..."
MIKE(???):  "...reminding you to save the Texas Prairie Chicken!!"
<=No dragons were seriously injured during the making of this film.