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The Monkees Christmas Story

The Monkees go to Mrs. Vandersnoot's house in hope of playing at a Christmas party.  Instead, they end up baby-sitting for Mrs. V's nephew, Melvin, for $400.  Melvin happens to be the kind of kid who dislikes anything merry, and sees no point in trying to be merry.  The Monkees despite this behavior try to show Melvin a good time by getting ready for Christmas.  However, while trying to show the Christmas spirit, The Monkees get frequently injured and have to spend the $400 on medical bills and other damages.  This doesn't help Melvin's mood any.  Can The Monkees show Melvin the true meaning of Christmas, despite the physical and financial pain?

MIKE:  "We're the band that Mrs. Vandersnoot's hired
for the party is who we are!"

BUTLER:  "There must have been some mistake!
We were expecting four gentlemen!"

MIKE:  "Would you accept four ladies who shave?"
BUTLER:  "I can accept anything!! 
Wait in here, ladies!  Boys with long hair?  Girls who shave? 
The world's going to pot!  No one knows who's who these days!!"

PETER:  "Well, with the money I make from this gig,
I'll be able to buy Christmas presents!"

MIKE:  "Oh, don't buy presents like you bought last year!"
PETER:  "By whatever could you mean?"

DAVY:  "What happened to your present, Mike?"
MIKE:  "When I saw what you guys got,
I wouldn't open mine until July!!"

MICKY:  "What was it?"
MIKE:  "Snow skies!"
MRS. VANDERSNOOT:  "Put the luggage in the car, Williams.  Ah, here you, Monkees!  Your instructions are on the list, 
have a marvelous holiday darlings!"

MRS. VANDERSNOOT:  "What party?  You're baby-sitting 
for my nephew, Melvin, while I'm on my Christmas cruise!!"

MIKE:  "Not a chance!"
MICKY:  "Baby-sitting!?  Madam, we're musicians!!
We can not give up years of study and involvement!!"

MRS. VANDERSNOOT:  "I'll give one hundred dollars
a piece in advance for ten days!!"

MICKY:  "However, if the price is right..."
MIKE:  "We don't know anything about baby-sitting!!
I mean, those little things take a lot of attention--"

MELVIN:  "All that would be necessary, if I were a child. 
But the fact of the matter is, gentlemen, I'm not!"

MRS. VANDERSNOOT:  "Of course you're not, darling!! 
You never were!!"

DAVY:  "What is he?  The world's youngest midget?"

MELVIN:  "Isn't it the hype of conformity for
both of you to play the same instrument?" 

MIKE:  "Well, no--"
PETER:  "No, we don't, man!"
MIKE:  "Yeah, that's a bass!"
PETER:  "Yeah, it's different!!"
MELVIN:  "Well, personally I don't see how different it could be!"
MIKE:  "This isn't working out you know."
PETER:  "I'd expected more from you, Michael.
Even I could have said that!"

MICKY:  "He's right, it isn't work out at all!"
MIKE:  "That's just a kid, you see!"
PETER:  "Right!!"
MIKE:  "And we've got to treat him like a kid!"
PETER:  "Huh?"
MIKE:  "Hmm?  A game!"
PETER:  "A game!"
MIKE:  "We'll play a game!!"
DAVY:  "That's a very good idea!  Let's play a game!!"

MIKE:  "Melvin, you're not playing the game, you know!"
MELVIN:  "Let me be Simon!!"
MIKE:  "Sure!!  He wants to be Simon!  We got him now!!"
MELVIN:  "Simple Simon says what is 180 times 3,
divided by 2, minus 7?"

MIKE:  "Hey, c'mon, wait a minute, man, nobody can
figure that out in their head!!"

MELVIN:  "Oh, no?  263!!"

MICKY:  "Now wait a minute!!"
DAVY:  "What?"
MICKY:  "He's just a little kid, right?"
DAVY:  "Yeah, kid!!"
MICKY:  "We'll use child psychology!"
DAVY:  "Right!!  Should I go and beat 'em up!?"
MICKY:  "Right!!  No, no, no wait!!  We'd better not do that, 
no wait.  He's a rich kid; what do rich kids like to do?
We'll take him Christmas shopping!!!"

MICKY:  "Isn't it neat Melvin?  Isn't it neat?!?  Look at all the decorations!!  How'd you like all the decorations, Melvin, huh?!"
MELVIN:  "I have always felt that if one striped away all tinsel
at Christmas, underneath you'd find nothing but more tinsel!"

MICKY:  "Right, Melvin!!  Would you take my hand?
It gives me the feeling of security!"

DAVY:  "This looks like a nice looking thing, doesn't it?"
SALESLADY:  "Yes, is it for you?"
DAVY:  "Don't be silly, I use it as a -- security blanket!!  Peter!!!!"
SALESLADY:  "Where did he come from?!?"
DAVY:  "Left our garage, through the studio gates,
and right on the set here!!"

SALESMAN:  "Which way did he go?!?"
DAVY and SALESLADY:  "He went that way!!!"

PETER: "O-ooh!  Mo-o-an, gro-o-an!!!  O-ooh!!"
SALESMAN:  "Okay, for the repairs to the motorcycle,
the cloth, and the broken toys, all together that comes out to $320!"

MIKE:  "Three hundred and twenty doll -- that's a -- three hundred,
whoo, three hundred and twenty dollars.  Well, that leaves us with $20 a piece guys!"

DAVY:  "Let's go, Mike."
MIKE:  "Yes, Davy."
SALESMAN:  "Whoops!!  Plus twenty dollars for the stretcher!!"
MIKE:  "It's a carrying charge, right?  Carring charge!"
SALEMAN:  "Very funny!  Very funny!  You belong in
the movies, or worse yet, television!!"

PETER:  "Uuohhhh!!"
DOCTOR:  "Hmm, he's just shaken up a little bit!  He'll be fine!"
DAVY:  "Oh, well, thanks very much, doctor!  How much 
do we owe you?"
DOCTOR:  "That will be twenty dollars!!"
DAVY:  "Twenty dollars?!?!"
PETER:  "Uunhh!!"
DOCTOR:  "Well, since it's the Christmas holiday,
make it $19.95!!"
DAVY:  "Oh, well, that's a much better deal that is, isn't it?"

MELVIN:  "How can anyone seriously discuss Christmas?"
MIKE:  "What do you mean, how can anybody 
seriously discuss Christmas?"
MELVIN:  "Well, what is it?  Give me one fact!"
PETER:  "Well, it's on December 25!"
MELVIN:  "Mm-hmm."
PETER:  "And it's full of cheer, and good light, 
and good will, and friendship and fellowship--"
MELVIN:  "I said facts, not that sentimental sop that you believe!!
You've been lying to yourself!!"
MIKE:  "Wait a minute!!  What do you mean 
he's lying to himself?"
MELVIN:  "Well, everyone talks about the Christmas spirit,
but I've never seen it!!"
MIKE:  "Of course you have!  You see it all year long!
I mean people walking around and smiling!  That's a 
Christmas spirit!"
MELVIN:  "A Smile?"
MIKE:  "Yeah, sort of, it's not quite that simple, but 
that's basically it!  Look, you try it.  Smile, you'll see!"
MELVIN tries to smile
:  "Bah!  Hum-bug!!"
MIKE:  "What did you say?!"
MELVIN:  "I said, 'Bah!  Hum-bug!!'"
MIKE:  "I think you need some lessons on Christmas!!"
PETER:  "Boy, this kid needs some lessons on Christmas!!"
DAVY:  "You're telling me!!"

MIKE:  "Now, Melvin and Micky, these are Christmas trees!
You can tell they're Christmas trees because of they're evergreen branches.  Now the evergreen branches is the symbol of the
well-spring of goodness that bubbles up in man-kind this 
time of the year!!  Now, it's a constant reminder of the golden 
rule of doing unto others as you would have--"
MELVIN:  "Before they do unto to you, right?"
MIKE:  "Wrong!!  I let that fishy woman have that tree because 
it is better to give than to receive!  And besides that, there's
plenty of small trees around, we'll just pick a small tree, right?"
PETER:  "Wrong!!"
MIKE:  "What do you mean wrong?"
PETER:  "Well, there are no more small trees left!!"
MIKE:  "Well, that's okay!  We'll just pick a big tree!! 
How much are the big trees?"
DAVY:  "Uh, ten dollars!"
MIKE:  "Won't take the big trees!"
MELVIN:  "Remember, it's better to give than to receive!"
MIKE:  "Yeah, well, with thirty dollars left in the kiddy pot,
it's better not to give that much!!  And, besides that, I have,
as usual, a brillant plan!"

PETER:  "I know why they chop down trees in the old days,
'cause they didn't have enough money to buy them!!"
MIKE:  "Yeah, maybe you guys better go buy a tree."
PETER:  "Right, okay, we'll buy a tree!"
DAVY:  "Bye!"
PETER:  "Bye!"
MICKY:  "Mike!  I found some holly and mistle -- mistletoe! 
Holly and mistletoe!"
MIKE:  "Holly and mistletoe!!"
MICKY:  "Holly and mistletoe!"
MIKE:  "Hey, oh no, wait!!  That's not holly!!"
MICKY:  "That's not holly!"
MIKE:  "No, it's not even mistletoe!"
MICKY:  "It's not even mistletoe!"
MIKE:  "No!!"
MICKY:  "What is it?!"
MIKE:  "It's commonly known as --"
- - - - - - - - - - -
DOCTOR:  "-- poison ivy!  However, it's a mild case!"
MIKE:  "Yeah, about twenty dollars worth!"
DOCTOR:  "Exactly!"
MIKE:  "Exactly, always is.  Well, that's the last
of the Christmas money I just spent!"
DAVY:  "Oh, Mike, don't worry about that!  Let's show
Melvin how to trim the Christmas tree!  C'mon!"

MELVIN:  "You are absolutely ridiculous!"
MIKE:  "What?!"
MELVIN:  "You're killing yourself over something 
that doesn't even exist!!"
PETER:  "Michael, he's doing it again!!"
MIKE:  "No, he's not, he's right!  If you don't believe
in the spirit of Christmas, then it doesn't exist!"
PETER:  "Well, yeah, I guess you're right, but still, man, 
he's only twelve--"
MIKE:  "No way!  Somebody wants to keep shooting down a bubble, you can't keep it up!"
MELVIN:  "And I'm the one who keeps shooting it down!"
MIKE:  "I didn't say a word!"
MELVIN:  "I don't have to take this!  I have a
maid and a housekeeper at home!"
MIKE:  "You're right you don't have to take it!  
Stay if you want to, and you can go if you want to, too."
MELVIN:  "I'll send for my bags later!"
DAVY:  "You know, I don't understand it!  We gave
him everything, presents, games, a tree!"
MIKE:  "Especially at a time like this!  A time of peace
and love for your fellow man!"
PETER:  "Yeah!"
MIKE:  "Love ... hey fellas?"

MICKY:  "How come I'm all clean and you're all dirty?!"
DAVY:  "Don't you mean, how come you're all dirty and I'm all clean?" 
MICKY:  "Yeah?!!"
DAVY:  "Well, you see, you're always on about me 
being li'le teeny tiny weeny li'le David, you see!"

MICKY:  "Right!"
DAVY:  "So, I figured I'd come down the middle of
the chimney and to avoid the sides, you see!!"

MICKY:  "Ooh, right!!"

<=No Christmas spirit was intentionally harmed during the making of the film!  Happy Holidays!!