The Monkees Christmas Story
The Monkees go to Mrs. Vandersnoot's house in hope of playing at a Christmas party. Instead, they end up baby-sitting for Mrs. V's nephew, Melvin, for $400. Melvin happens to be the kind of kid who dislikes anything merry, and sees no point in trying to be merry. The Monkees despite this behavior try to show Melvin a good time by getting ready for Christmas. However, while trying to show the Christmas spirit, The Monkees get frequently injured and have to spend the $400 on medical bills and other damages. This doesn't help Melvin's mood any. Can The Monkees show Melvin the true meaning of Christmas, despite the physical and financial pain?
MIKE: "We're the band that Mrs. Vandersnoot's hired
for the party is who we are!"
BUTLER: "There must have been some mistake!
We were expecting four gentlemen!"
MIKE: "Would you accept four ladies who shave?"
BUTLER: "I can accept anything!!
Wait in here, ladies! Boys with long hair? Girls who shave?
The world's going to pot! No one knows who's who these days!!"
PETER: "Well, with the money I make from this gig,
I'll be able to buy Christmas presents!"
MIKE: "Oh, don't buy presents like you bought last year!"
PETER: "By whatever could you mean?"
DAVY: "What happened to your present, Mike?"
MIKE: "When I saw what you guys got,
I wouldn't open mine until July!!"
MICKY: "What was it?"
MIKE: "Snow skies!"
MRS. VANDERSNOOT: "Put the luggage in the car, Williams. Ah, here you, Monkees! Your instructions are on the list,
have a marvelous holiday darlings!"
MRS. VANDERSNOOT: "What party? You're baby-sitting
for my nephew, Melvin, while I'm on my Christmas cruise!!"
MIKE: "Not a chance!"
MICKY: "Baby-sitting!? Madam, we're musicians!!
We can not give up years of study and involvement!!"
MRS. VANDERSNOOT: "I'll give one hundred dollars
a piece in advance for ten days!!"
MICKY: "However, if the price is right..."
MIKE: "We don't know anything about baby-sitting!!
I mean, those little things take a lot of attention--"
MELVIN: "All that would be necessary, if I were a child.
But the fact of the matter is, gentlemen, I'm not!"
MRS. VANDERSNOOT: "Of course you're not, darling!!
You never were!!"
DAVY: "What is he? The world's youngest midget?"
MELVIN: "Isn't it the hype of conformity for
both of you to play the same instrument?"
MIKE: "Well, no--"
PETER: "No, we don't, man!"
MIKE: "Yeah, that's a bass!"
PETER: "Yeah, it's different!!"
MELVIN: "Well, personally I don't see how different it could be!"
MIKE: "This isn't working out you know."
PETER: "I'd expected more from you, Michael.
Even I could have said that!"
MICKY: "He's right, it isn't work out at all!"
MIKE: "That's just a kid, you see!"
MIKE: "And we've got to treat him like a kid!"
MIKE: "Hmm? A game!"
PETER: "A game!"
MIKE: "We'll play a game!!"
DAVY: "That's a very good idea! Let's play a game!!"
MIKE: "Melvin, you're not playing the game, you know!"
MELVIN: "Let me be Simon!!"
MIKE: "Sure!! He wants to be Simon! We got him now!!"
MELVIN: "Simple Simon says what is 180 times 3,
divided by 2, minus 7?"
MIKE: "Hey, c'mon, wait a minute, man, nobody can
figure that out in their head!!"
MELVIN: "Oh, no? 263!!"
MICKY: "Now wait a minute!!"
MICKY: "He's just a little kid, right?"
DAVY: "Yeah, kid!!"
MICKY: "We'll use child psychology!"
DAVY: "Right!! Should I go and beat 'em up!?"
MICKY: "Right!! No, no, no wait!! We'd better not do that,
no wait. He's a rich kid; what do rich kids like to do?
We'll take him Christmas shopping!!!"
MICKY: "Isn't it neat Melvin? Isn't it neat?!? Look at all the decorations!! How'd you like all the decorations, Melvin, huh?!"
MELVIN: "I have always felt that if one striped away all tinsel
at Christmas, underneath you'd find nothing but more tinsel!"
MICKY: "Right, Melvin!! Would you take my hand?
It gives me the feeling of security!"
DAVY: "This looks like a nice looking thing, doesn't it?"
SALESLADY: "Yes, is it for you?"
DAVY: "Don't be silly, I use it as a -- security blanket!! Peter!!!!"
SALESLADY: "Where did he come from?!?"
DAVY: "Left our garage, through the studio gates,
and right on the set here!!"
SALESMAN: "Which way did he go?!?"
DAVY and SALESLADY: "He went that way!!!"
PETER: "O-ooh! Mo-o-an, gro-o-an!!! O-ooh!!"
SALESMAN: "Okay, for the repairs to the motorcycle,
the cloth, and the broken toys, all together that comes out to $320!"
MIKE: "Three hundred and twenty doll -- that's a -- three hundred,
whoo, three hundred and twenty dollars. Well, that leaves us with $20 a piece guys!"
DAVY: "Let's go, Mike."
MIKE: "Yes, Davy."
SALESMAN: "Whoops!! Plus twenty dollars for the stretcher!!"
MIKE: "It's a carrying charge, right? Carring charge!"
SALEMAN: "Very funny! Very funny! You belong in
the movies, or worse yet, television!!"
DOCTOR: "Hmm, he's just shaken up a little bit! He'll be fine!"
DAVY: "Oh, well, thanks very much, doctor! How much
do we owe you?"
DOCTOR: "That will be twenty dollars!!"
DAVY: "Twenty dollars?!?!"
DOCTOR: "Well, since it's the Christmas holiday,
make it $19.95!!"
DAVY: "Oh, well, that's a much better deal that is, isn't it?"
MELVIN: "How can anyone seriously discuss Christmas?"
MIKE: "What do you mean, how can anybody
seriously discuss Christmas?"
MELVIN: "Well, what is it? Give me one fact!"
PETER: "Well, it's on December 25!"
PETER: "And it's full of cheer, and good light,
and good will, and friendship and fellowship--"
MELVIN: "I said facts, not that sentimental sop that you believe!!
You've been lying to yourself!!"
MIKE: "Wait a minute!! What do you mean
he's lying to himself?"
MELVIN: "Well, everyone talks about the Christmas spirit,
but I've never seen it!!"
MIKE: "Of course you have! You see it all year long!
I mean people walking around and smiling! That's a
MELVIN: "A Smile?"
MIKE: "Yeah, sort of, it's not quite that simple, but
that's basically it! Look, you try it. Smile, you'll see!"
MELVIN tries to smile
MELVIN: "Bah! Hum-bug!!"
MIKE: "What did you say?!"
MELVIN: "I said, 'Bah! Hum-bug!!'"
MIKE: "I think you need some lessons on Christmas!!"
PETER: "Boy, this kid needs some lessons on Christmas!!"
DAVY: "You're telling me!!"
MIKE: "Now, Melvin and Micky, these are Christmas trees!
You can tell they're Christmas trees because of they're evergreen branches. Now the evergreen branches is the symbol of the
well-spring of goodness that bubbles up in man-kind this
time of the year!! Now, it's a constant reminder of the golden
rule of doing unto others as you would have--"
MELVIN: "Before they do unto to you, right?"
MIKE: "Wrong!! I let that fishy woman have that tree because
it is better to give than to receive! And besides that, there's
plenty of small trees around, we'll just pick a small tree, right?"
MIKE: "What do you mean wrong?"
PETER: "Well, there are no more small trees left!!"
MIKE: "Well, that's okay! We'll just pick a big tree!!
How much are the big trees?"
DAVY: "Uh, ten dollars!"
MIKE: "Won't take the big trees!"
MELVIN: "Remember, it's better to give than to receive!"
MIKE: "Yeah, well, with thirty dollars left in the kiddy pot,
it's better not to give that much!! And, besides that, I have,
as usual, a brillant plan!"
PETER: "I know why they chop down trees in the old days,
'cause they didn't have enough money to buy them!!"
MIKE: "Yeah, maybe you guys better go buy a tree."
PETER: "Right, okay, we'll buy a tree!"
MICKY: "Mike! I found some holly and mistle -- mistletoe!
Holly and mistletoe!"
MIKE: "Holly and mistletoe!!"
MICKY: "Holly and mistletoe!"
MIKE: "Hey, oh no, wait!! That's not holly!!"
MICKY: "That's not holly!"
MIKE: "No, it's not even mistletoe!"
MICKY: "It's not even mistletoe!"
MICKY: "What is it?!"
MIKE: "It's commonly known as --"
- - - - - - - - - - -
DOCTOR: "-- poison ivy! However, it's a mild case!"
MIKE: "Yeah, about twenty dollars worth!"
MIKE: "Exactly, always is. Well, that's the last
of the Christmas money I just spent!"
DAVY: "Oh, Mike, don't worry about that! Let's show
Melvin how to trim the Christmas tree! C'mon!"
MELVIN: "You are absolutely ridiculous!"
MELVIN: "You're killing yourself over something
that doesn't even exist!!"
PETER: "Michael, he's doing it again!!"
MIKE: "No, he's not, he's right! If you don't believe
in the spirit of Christmas, then it doesn't exist!"
PETER: "Well, yeah, I guess you're right, but still, man,
he's only twelve--"
MIKE: "No way! Somebody wants to keep shooting down a bubble, you can't keep it up!"
MELVIN: "And I'm the one who keeps shooting it down!"
MIKE: "I didn't say a word!"
MELVIN: "I don't have to take this! I have a
maid and a housekeeper at home!"
MIKE: "You're right you don't have to take it!
Stay if you want to, and you can go if you want to, too."
MELVIN: "I'll send for my bags later!"
DAVY: "You know, I don't understand it! We gave
him everything, presents, games, a tree!"
MIKE: "Especially at a time like this! A time of peace
and love for your fellow man!"
MIKE: "Love ... hey fellas?"
MICKY: "How come I'm all clean and you're all dirty?!"
DAVY: "Don't you mean, how come you're all dirty and I'm all clean?"
DAVY: "Well, you see, you're always on about me
being li'le teeny tiny weeny li'le David, you see!"
DAVY: "So, I figured I'd come down the middle of
the chimney and to avoid the sides, you see!!"
MICKY: "Ooh, right!!"
No Christmas spirit was intentionally harmed during the making of the film! Happy Holidays!!