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Monkee Chow Mein


Due to Peter's craving for fortune cookies, he ends up
taking one that holds a piece of the formula
to the Doomsday Bug!  Dragonman, a Chinese spyleader, wants
that piece back.  After a kidnapped Micky and kidnapped Mr. Schneider,
the Chinese have their Monkee!  After numerous tortures that really
had no effect, Dragonman lets them choose the Doors of Death.
After being tricked and before being killed, Peter and Micky
are saved by two Monkeemen! An eternity of gongs later, the FBI arrest the spies.



DRAGONMAN: "Toto, remember first rule of spy organization!"
TOTO: "What is that, Master?"
DRAGONMAN: "He who eat cookie screw up formula....something terrible!"


MODELL: "You're frightened, aren't you?"
MIKE: "Oh, you're very perceptive."
MODELL: "You should be. Making a pick-up of
stolen security information is a very serious offense!"
MIKE: "What pickup of--"
DAVY: "Security information?  What--"
MICKY: "Yeah, I thought this was a kidnapping!"
MODELL: "A kidnapping?!?  This is a Central Intelligence Service!
Your friend has picked up a piece of classified information!"
MIKE: "Oh, you mean the fortune cookie!  Oh, I could explain that!
You see, Peter picks up fortune cookies like that,
and takes 'em home, and feeds them to a dog we don't have!"


DRAGONMAN: "The Doomsday Bug!! We must get the formula for The Doomsday Bug!!"
TOTO: "What is this bug, Master?"
DRAGONMAN: "It is a vicious germ cell, with green spots, hairy legs, and 200 eyes!!"
TOTO: "Oh, but Master, why does bug have so many eyes?"
DRAGONMAN: "The better to see you with, my boy!
So, Toto, we must find lost portion of formula!"
TOTO: "But Master, who took the formula?"
DRAGONMAN: "The boy with the long hair named Peter!"
TOTO: "That's strange name for long hair!"


MICKY: "You know the movie wax museum
we passed on the way home?"
MIKE: "Yeah."
MICKY: "Was Gary Cooper Chinese?"
MIKE: "No."
MICKY: "Then, we're being followed!!"


MICKY: "Hey, hey, Dragonman!!  Call off your goon!
I don't like the way he's acting!"
DRAGONMAN: "You're no Lawerence Olivier yourself!"


DRAGONMAN: "And now, Toto, your instructions:
I want you to find the Monkee, get the cookie,
bring the Monkee and the cookie to me!  Repeat, please."
TOTO: "I find the cookie, bring the Monkee--"
MICKY: "Oh no, no, no!  You find the cookie,
get the Monkee, and cook the cookie!!!"


DRAGONMAN: "So, he has fallen in my crutches!!"
MICKY: "Your crotches??"
DRAGONMAN: "Not my crotches, my crutches!!"


CHANG: "May I help you?"
PETER: "Yes, I would like to order from Plan A."
CHANG: "So sorry, Plan A not available!"
PETER: "Oh, how about Plan B?"
CHANG: "So sorry, Plan B not available, peerrrhaps Plan C?"


MIKE: "Hi, there.  We're from the Pure Food & Drugs.
Do you serve crabs?"
CHANG: "We serve anybody!"
MIKE: "Thus it may be, but we still have to inspect your kitchens!"
CHANG: "Oh, no!!!!"
Mike and Davy are pushed away from the restaurant.
DAVY
: "That's the last time I ever eat in that place!"
MIKE: "They probably serve bad food and drugs anyway."


MONKEEMAN DAVY: "You're a nailbiter!"
TOTO: "Oh!"
MONKEEMAN DAVY: "You're a nailbiter, and your mother never ever loved you!!"
TOTO: "You are too short!"
MONKEEMAN DAVY: !??!
TOTO: "You are too short, and you have no ear for music!!"
DAVY: "Oh, Mike!  Mike!!  Help me, Mike!!"


DRAGONMAN: "Enough of this!!
Get formula for Doomsday Bug!"
MIKE: "What is this formula? I have Doomsday Bug here!
That is it, The Doomsday Bug!!  The bug itself!"
TOTO: "Oh boy, oh boy! Master, there's a bug!"
DRAGONMAN: "Don't try to fool me
with old bug trick! You have no bug!"
DAVY: "Oh he has a bug!  Oh, he has a bug!
Oh, that's a bug!  See that? 199, 200 eyes!"


<= No chopsticks were harmed during the making of this film.