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The Chaperone

Davy wants to date a girl named Leslie.
Unfortunately, Leslie's dad(hardcore militant)
will only let his daughter go to chaperoned parties.
The Monkees try Mr. Babbit, but he charges;
they try their cleaning lady, but she's a drinker;
thus Micky attempts to be the female chaperone.
However, Mr. Vandenburg is enamored
by her, er, him.  A few "flirtations" later,
Mr. Vadenburg realizes the truth.

DAVY:  "Ah, pardon me, miss.  I'm from the TV Poll Taking Service.
I was wondering what tv program are you watching?"
LESLIE:  "Well, I'm not watching any tv program!"
DAVY:  "You're not?"
LESLIE:  "I don't watch television until the evening."
DAVY:  "Ah, okay, I'll be back later!  Will you tell
your mother I like roast beef and Yorkshire pudding?"

MICKY:  "How did the, ah, poll tv thing work?"
DAVY:  "She's divine, lovely, beautiful, deboon, marvelous!"
PETER:  "C'mon, Davy!  Quit fooling around!! 
Which tv show she was watching?!"
MIKE:  "Ours, I hope!"

VANDENBURG:  "I buy the magazines in this house,
and I'm not interested in any new ones!!"
DAVY:  "Oh, but that's different cause these are not new ones!!
These are old issues!!  Now look, Popular Mechanics. Now this
magazine shows you how to invent the wheel, right here!!  See this!"

CYNTHIA:  "Hi, I'm Cynthia!!  I'm staying with 
Leslie while we're home on vacation!"
DAVY:  "I envy you!"
CYNTHIA:  "And I admire your persistence, but you're wasting your time!!
Mr. Vandenburg runs this place like an army camp!"

(COL.) DOLENZ:  "Listen, Vandy ol' boy!!  My son, Micky, is grown up now;
giving him sort of a bash!  You know, twisting, frugging, cha-cha-cha, all that sort of rot.
Yes, all the military families will be represented.  I remember
you had a daughter, Hettie!"
VANDENBURG:  "Leslie!!"
(COL.) DOLENZ:  "Oh, yes, Leslie!! Why don't you send Tessie off?"
VANDENBURG:  "Leslie!!!!"
(COL.) DOLENZ:  "Yes, Leslie, I know!
The party will be chaperoned of course!  And..what?"
VANDENBURG:  "She has a friend staying with her."
(COL.) DOLENZ:  "Her friend?  Well, is she of military family?
Custer's grandniece?  Well, I suppose it'll be all right!!
There won't be any Indians there! Ha, ha, ha!!!  Ta-ta old man!"

DAVY:  "Our landlord?!?"
BABBIT:  "All right, what do you want?"
MIKE:  "Well, Mr. Babbit.  We're having a party tonight, and we need a chaperone!"
BABBIT:  "Why of course!  You boys know
your landlord understands problem of youths!"
DAVY:  "Oh, Mr. Babbit!"
MIKE:  "Thank you, Mr. Babbit!"
BABBIT:  "Of course!  Now, how long
do you figure this party's going to last?"
PETER:  "Four hours?"
BABBIT:  "About four hours?  Let me see now,
four hours.  That's four hours, two dollars an hour--"
MIKE:  "What?!"
BABBIT:  "Then there's time and a half 
for overtime, like I would naturally say. 
Two dollars charge for checking coats and hats.."

DAVY"The dance in France is mainly in the stance!"
WEIFERS:  "Oh, Davy!!  I don't know 
how to be able at them fancy parties!"
DAVY:  "I tell you, Peter, give me six months and I could
pass her off as a duchess at an embassy ball!"
PETER:  "How about at the party, tonight?"
DAVY:  "That would be a little harder!"

MICKY:  "Most of the guys are here. 
We're going to get you into your clothes.  Mrs. Weifers?"
DAVY:  "Mrs. Weifers!!  Wake up, c'mon!  Please!  She's stoned!"
MIKE:  "Drunk!"
DAVY:  "Well, what are we going to do about the chaperone?
Vandenburg will be here any minute!"

MIKE:  "Ah, Mr. Vandenburg, we would like you to meet our chaperone!
This is Mrs. Arkadein!  She's one of the first families of Philadelphia!"
MRS. ARKADEIN:  "As you go into town,
my house is the first house on the right!"
VANDENBURG:  "That's very good!"
MRS. ARKADEIN:  "As you're leaving town,
it's the last house on the left!"

VANDENBURG:  "You know, I can't help
thinking I know you from someplace!"
MRS. ARKADEIN:  "Have you ever been to Palm Beach?"
VANDENBURG:  "Why, yes!!"
MRS. ARKADEIN:  "Is it nice?"

VANDENBURG:  "Well, I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before!"
MRS. ARKADEIN:  "Have you ever been to jail?"

MICKY:  "I've had it, I'm through!"
MIKE:  "Oh, man, keep your dress on!  What's the matter?"
MICKY:  "He's getting fresh!"
MIKE:  "Okay, so he's getting fresh.  It's for
a pal anyways.  Davy's in love with his daughter!"
MICKY:  "Yeah, and I'm going to be his mother-in-law!"
MIKE:  "If you play your cards right!"

BABBIT:  "So tell me, do you like this apartment?
You know, I could kick the boys out!"
MRS. ARKADEIN:  "Oh, I couldn't stand living in a place like this!
And you really wouldn't want to do that to the boys!
Why they think highly of you! Well, they were just talking
about you before you came!"
BABBIT:  "Really?!"
MRS. ARKADEIN:  "Yes!!!  What's a bloodsucker?"

DAVY:  "Is anything the matter, Mr. Vandenburg?"
VANDENBURG:  "Oh, no, no!  There's nothing the matter!
On the contrary, everything's wonderful! I want you
to be the first to know Mrs. Arkadein 
has just consented to be my wife!"

MRS. WEIFERS:  "How nice of you to come!"
VANDENBURG:  "What is this?!?"
MRS. WEIFERS:  "Huntington Hartford hates pickled herring!"
PETER:  "I think she's got it!"
DAVY:  "By George, she's got it!"
MRS. WEIFERS:  "Let me know when the party begins!"

MIKE:  "Well, I guess all's well that ends well!"
MICKY:  "There's one thing that bothers me though!"
MIKE:  "What?"
MICKY:  "Do I have to give back the ring?"

<=Tarzan was not hurt during the making of this film.