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Monkees in a Ghost Town

Well, that's show business!! The Monkees take a wrong turn going to a gig and end up in a ghost town.  There, Mike and Davy meet George and Lenny, two gangsters waiting for "The Big Man".  Micky and Peter, as Big Man and Spider, unsuccessfully try to free Mike and Davy.  Locked in a jail cell with no place to go, all four wait their impending fate with "The Big Man".
MIKE: "Man, I've heard of out of town jobs before, but this is ridiculous!
How much farther do we got to go?"

MICKY:  "Hey, we pass the gas station with the drugstore on the corner yet?"
DAVY:  "Yeah, about a hundred and fifty miles back!"
MICKY:  "Oh, that's where we should have turned left."
MIKE:  "Oh, I wish you'd could've mentioned that a little bit sooner, man!
We're almost out of gas!"


PETER:  "Cross at the green, not in between!"
DAVY:  "He's been out in the sun too long!"
MICKY:  "He's no bargain in the shade!"
MIKE:  "Hey look, Peter,  you and Micky look up this end of town,
and Davy and I will go this end for some gas or something."


MIKE:  "Do you see anything?"
DAVY:  "No, I don't mind telling you it's making me nervous!"
BLACK BART:  "Nervous, eh?  Clade, you're a yellow livered coward!"
CLADE:  "So, Kincaid paid a hired killer to come and get me?'
KINCAID:  "That's right, Clade, I paid him five hundred dollars for your life!"
CLADE:  "Five hundred dollars, huh?  Well, I only have three words for you, Black Bart!"
BLACK BART:  "Yeah, what are they!?"
CLADE:  "Six hundred dollars?!!?"
BLACK BART:  "Kincaid, you're a yellow livered coward!!"

DAVY:  "Hey, man, if this is a ghost town, what do you call that?"
MIKE:  "Well, off hand, I'd say it's a circle of bullets around our feet!"
GEORGE:  "All right, you guys, hoist 'em! ... You heard me, reach!!"
MIKE: "Say, you're pretty tough with a gun in your hand, aren't ya!"
LENNY:  "Heh, heh!!  You think so, huh?!!  Well, you oughta' see him
with a cigarette hangin' out of this corner of his mouth!"


MIKE:  "Ah, hey look, we gotta split!"
GEORGE:  "Lenny!!!  Give 'em your famous line!"
LENNY:  "You ain't goin' no place!!"
GEORGE:  "I'm not so sure they're alone!  You keep these two on ice, while I look around!"
LENNY:  "Okay, but George!  Where am I gonna to get ice on the desert?"

MIKE:  "Hey, look, what do you want?"
LENNY:  "What do I want?!!  I want what any man wants!  I want a job, and security,
and a home, yeah, and PTA meetings, and cookouts on weekends!
That's what I want!  Can you give me all of that?"

MIKE:  "Well, no."
LENNY:  "Then, SHUT UP!!!"

PETER:  "First we get lost and run out of gas, then Mike and Davy disappear, and then somebody starts shooting off a machine gun, and now this guy is searching the town!!"
MICKY:  "That's for the benefit of any of you who tuned in late!  And now, back to our story!"

LENNY:  "George?  George!  Tell me how it's gonna to be when the Big Man gets here!"
GEORGE:  "Okay, Lenny, I'll tell ya!"
LENNY:  "Go on, George!"
GEORGE:  "When the Big Man gets here, we're goin' to take our cut
and we're goin' to scram outta here--"

LENNY:  "Take our cut..."
GEORGE:  "What about the kids?"
DAVY:  "Yeah, what about the kids?!!"
MIKE:  "Yeah!!"
LENNY:  "Why should you get a cut, you've never done nothin'!!"
GEORGE:  "I mean about knockin' them off!  Never mind, we'll let
the Big Man worry about that, it's his caper!"


LENNY:  "I wish the big man was here!"
GEORGE:  "Take it easy, Lenny, he'll get here when he's ready!"
SPIDER: "He's ready!  Okay, boss!!"
BOSS:  "All right!!  Mmnnhmm!!  Where is everybody?
This place looks like a ghost town!!  Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!"

GEORGE:  "Who are you?"
BOSS:  "Mnmhahaha!  That's rich!  Bright boy wants to know who I am!!
I like that; it shows he's a brightboy!!"

LENNY:  "You ain't the Big Man??"
SPIDER:  "They don't come no bigger!!"

BOSS:  "All right, where's the dough?"
GEORGE:  "Oh, yeah, it's right over here, boss!"
BOSS:  "Who are they?"
LENNY:  "Oh, a couple of kids that stumbled in on us!"
BOSS:  "Well, give Spider the keys, then he'll take care
of the kids in the cell!  Won't ya, Spider?  Won't ya, Spider?!!?"

SPIDER:  "What?  What?"
BOSS:  "Spider, the kids in the cell!"
SPIDER:  "Yeah, right, the kids in the cell!"
BOSS:  "Yeah!"
GEORGE:  "What a minute, I didn't hear no car.  How did you get here?"
BOSS:  "How did we get here with no car, ha-ha, we coasted up.
We coasted up because that saves on gas.  Especially during the getaways, you know.

You know, which reminds me, I think we left the motor running in the car, Spider!
We better go check up on it, guessin' we'll see you guys later!"

GEORGE:  "Wait a minute!  Give 'em your famous line, Lenny!"
LENNY:  "Oh, you, you ain't goin' no place!"
PETER:  "Wait a minute, he's the Big Man and I'm the Spider!"
MICKY:  "I'm the Big Man!!"
LENNY:  "I oughta smash you!!"
PETER:  "You can't step on a spider!"
LENNY:  "Why not?"
PETER:  "It'll rain!!"

GEORGE:  "Oh, and boys, if I were you, I wouldn't try to get out.  
There's nothing around here, but miles of desert!  Have fun!!"
DAVY:  "Humph, fun in the desert, that's all we need."
PETER:  "Yeah, fun in the desert!!"

MICKY:  "There's a shovel!!"
PETER:  "So what, we don't have a sandbox!"
MICKY:  "Hey, Lenny!  Hey, Lenny, can we see you a minute!"
*If we get the shovel, we can dig our way outta here!!*
LENNY:  "Yeah, what do ya want?"
MICKY:  "What kind of jail is this anyways?  There's no exercise period!  Booooo!"
LENNY:  "Oh, you want exercise before you get bumped off, huh?
Well, you just jump up and down, up and down right there in your cell!!"
MICKY:  "No, hey, hey, we want to play baseball!"
LENNY:  "Oh, I ain't go no bat, and now don't bother me!!"
MICKY:  "Well, we could use a shovel!"
LENNY:  "Well, how could you play ball in a cell?"
MICKY:  "Well, we'll bunt a lot!"

MICKY:  Give me the shovel; we'll take turns!"
PETER:  "Hey I thought we were goin' to play baseball?!?"
MIKE:  "First, we'll escape then, we'll play baseball!"
DAVY:  "Wait a minute!  We'll have to cover up
the sound of our digging somehow, or they'll hear us!"
MIKE:  "Well, we could play!!"

BIG MAN:  "All right, punks!!  Where's the loot?"
GEORGE:  "Come on, lady, the PTA meeting's down the block!!"
BIG MAN:  "You gotta be George, you got a big mouth!!"
GEORGE:  "That's right!  Who are you?!"
BIG MAN:  "Well, I ain't the welcome wagon!"
LENNY:  "You ain't, ain't the Big Man??!"
BIG MAN:  "Nah, I'm the Big Woman!!  The Big Man's wife!!"
LENNY:  "Then, where's your husband?"
BIG MAN:  "He got TOO big; now, I'm the Big Man!!"
GEORGE:  I don't believe her, Lenny, any more than these kids!!
I think you gotta be their mother!!"

BIG MAN:  "What is this, a boy scout camp?  Never mind, get rid of them!!"
GEORGE:  "You heard The Big Man, go ahead, knock 'em off!
Quick, before they start singin' again!!"
BIG MAN:  "Singin'??"
LENNY:  "Yeah, they were singin' before!!"
BIG MAN:  "Oh, yeah?!!  Hey, you boys singers?  You ever worked professionally?"
MIKE:  "Uh, yes, ma'am, we're a group!  Uh, we're The Monkees!!"
BIG MAN:  "Oh, a chimp act, huh?"
MIKE:  No ... say you sound like you know show business!"
BIG MAN:  "Show business!??  Sonny, thirty years ago, the name
Bessie Kawolski brought a trob to millions of hearts!"

BESSIE:  "Take 'em out, and shot 'em!!"
DAVY:  "Hey, wait a minute!!  As one singing act to another,
maybe you would give us one last request!!"
BESSIE:  "I don't do requests!  Lenny."
MICKY:  "In just a little while, we'll be far away in the palladium up in the sky,
but before we go, we'd just like to do one more encore!"
BESSIE:  "Sure, I know how it is, Sonny!  Once a trooper, always a trooper!
Lenny, let 'em do their number, then shoot 'em!!"
PETER:  "Bessie.  We'd be honored if you'd do the number with us!"

INDIAN CHIEF:  "Hello?"
DAVY:  "We're being held prisoner in a ghost town!!"
INDIAN CHIEF:  "Me can not help!  Me primitive Indian chief.
Know nothing about white man's problems!"
DAVY:  "You've gotta help!!"
INDIAN CHIEF:  "Wait a minute.  Other phone ringing.  Me put you on hold!"
DAVY:  "Hello?  Hello??"
GEORGE:  "Come on, you're goin' to listen with the rest of us!!"
DAVY:  "Oh.  Hello!"

BESSIE:  "Okay, Lenny, now let's rub 'em out!!"
MIKE:  "Wait a minute, Bessie!  Do you know you can get the chair for this?!!"
BESSIE:  "No, I don't think I remember that one.
But let's do 'Everyboy Loves My Baby' again, that's a good one!"

MIKE:  "Ah, look I hate to tell you this..."
DAVY:  "You want me to use the telephone again, right?"
MIKE:  "Right!"
DAVY dialing telephone
CHESTER:  "Hello?  This is Chester!"
DAVY:  "This is David Jones!  We've got a serious problem!!"
CHESTER:  "Problem, huh?  I'd better get Mr. Dillon!"
DAVY:  "Marshall Dillon?"
CHESTER:  "No, Bob Dylan!!  He can right a song about your problems!"
DAVY:  "Oh.  Hello?  Hello? ... Oh, hello.  I'm trying to get an agent!"

PETER:  "Hey, we shouldn't be here behind a bar!  We're too young!"
MICKY:  "So go out there!"
PETER:  "That's what I said, we're find right where we are!"

GEORGE:  "Hey, Lenny, I've never seen shooting like that before in my life!"
LENNY:  "Ah, he's good, George!!"
GEORGE:  "Ah, we give up, don't shoot!!"
MICKY:  "All right, Spider, give 'em your famous line!!"
PETER:  "You guys ain't --"
LENNY(mouthing):  -- Goin' no where! --
PETER:  "You guys ain't goin' no where!!"

FIRST COP:  "Hey, is that your car??!"
DAVY:  "Yeah, isn't she a beauty?"
FIRST COP:  "Well, boys, she's in a no parking zone!"
ALL FOUR:  "No parking zone?!!"
FIRST COP:  "You crossed against the light."
MICKY:  "What do you mean no parking?!?"
FIRST COP:  "And one more thing ... performing in a cabaret without a license!!"
PETER:  "Without a li -- we don't -- there's no cabaret --
this is a ghost town, man!  You can't--"
COP hands over tickets, Mike hands over winning reward ticket.
MIKE
:  "Well, I guess that'll 'bout take care of it."
ALL FOUR(to camera):  "Well, that's show business!!"

Season One on Monkee TeleVision