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Hey, Hey, It's The Monkees (1997)


    Written and Directed by Michael Nesmith
    Original Air Date on ABC:  February 17, 1997
    Transcript from television broadcast by Estrella Lee


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14    EXT.BEACH, BANDSTAND - DAY

CU on YOUNG BOY.  He's about 10 years old and is crying.  The camera DOLLIES BACK to reveal he's at the bandstand with the MONKEES.

                           PETER
           Were we that bad?

                           YOUNG BOY
                       (very upset)
           I raised a pig from birth, and now, my
           dad tells me we have to sell him, for
           bacon!!

YOUNG BOY continues to cry.

                           MICKY
                       (enthusiastically to others)
           Bacon!  That's not bad, huh?

MIKE gives the time out signal.

                           MIKE
           We did that.  It was a calf thing, but it
           was essentially the same thing.

                           PETER
           Well, we can't just let a kid cry like
           this!  We have to entertain him somehow!

TIGHT on MIKE and YOUNG BOY.  MIKE kneels next to him.  Somber music plays in the background.

                           MIKE
           Hey, whereever there's cop beating up on
           a guy, I'm going to be there.  Whereever
           there's the poor, the hopeless, the
           hungry, I'll be there!

YOUNG BOY starts crying again because of the depressing things in life that MIKE pointed out.

                           YOUNG BOY
                       (wailing again)
           Aaaauughhhh!!!

                           DAVY
                       (to MIKE)
           Hey, what did you do??

                           MIKE
           I did the closing scene from Grapes of
           Wrath!  The Henry Fonda speech is one of
           the great scenes in movies!
                      (to PETER)
           You said entertain him.

                           DAVY
           Yeah, but you're scaring him!  You have
           to entertain, even with a capital E!

Another MUSIC comes up in the background, this time more upbeat, Vaundeville-like.  DAVY starts singing and dancing around YOUNG BOY.

                           DAVY
                       (singing)
           Gonna build a mountain from a little
           slope, peas and onions from a little
           soap.  Gonna build a mountain!!

This also scares YOUNG BOY.

                           YOUNG BOY
                       (in hysterics)
           Aaaauuggh!

                           PETER
                       (to DAVY)
           Those aren't the words, are they?

                           DAVY
           Well, I can never remember.  But it's not
           about that, it's about the emotion.  You
           know, the rope, the soap, the hope, you
           know.

 MICKY can't believe the way these guys "entertain" YOUNG BOY.

                           MICKY
           You're pullin' me!  Let me!
                    (to YOUNG BOY)
           Hey kid, wanna see me throw up?

                           YOUNG BOY
                       (much happier)
           Yeah!

MICKY pulls YOUNG BOY aside.  CU MICKY has he sticks his finger in his mouth and pops it back out.  CONFETTI spews out of MICKY'S mouth.  This obviously delights YOUNG BOY.

                           YOUNG BOY
                       (amazed)
           Whoa, dude!  That's cool!  Can you do that
           again?

MICKY is about to attempt to do it again.

                           YOUNG BOY
                       (planning to leave)
           I gotta get my friends!

                           PETER
                       (to YOUNG BOY)
           What about your pet pig?

                           YOUNG BOY
                       (changing mind)
          Um, I never really like him that much!

YOUNG BOY leaves the area.  MONKEES start walking down the beach.  During the following dialogue, various shots are made: WIDE BACK SHOT, a few MEDIUM CU, and a few GROUP SHOTS.

                           DAVY
           Hey, guys, you don't think we need any
           kind of storyline?

                           PETER
           I kind of liked the pet pig and the bacon
           thing!  Sweet and scary at the same time!

                           MIKE
           Not really, not as long as we're having
           a good time!

                           DAVY
           You think it's perfectly all right that
           we don't have any visible means of
           support?

                           MICKY
           Well, who says our means have to be
           visible?

                           DAVY
           Don't you think we should have some
           dramatic tension, some drama, distress,
           worry, some sort of goal!?

                           MIKE
           Why?  I mean, We've been hanging out like
           this for years!  Once every five years or
           so a good storyline comes along, but other
           than that, it's better just hanging out
           and having a good time, a stroll on the
           beach, life is a bowl of oysters, what
           could be better?

                           PETER
                       (in his own world about the pig)
           I wonder if the pig talked.

                           MIKE
           No, see, it doesn't make any difference
           if the pig talked!

                           DAVY
           I got it!  All right, the landlord comes
           to the door for the last rent payment, and
           then all of a sudden we're on a desert
           island.

                           MICKY
                       (enthusiastic)
           Yeah!

                           DAVY
           On the other side, there's some buried
           treasure!

                           MIKE
           Rent?  We probably own the house by now.
           And besides, who wants to do a story just
           for the sake of doing a story?

                           MICKY
           Ah-ha!  Now, it's your turn.  That's how I
           felt about the Monkeemobile!

                           DAVY
           Yeah, that's the way I felt about tossing
           the sandwich!  What do you think, Peter?

                           PETER
                       (still wondering about pig story)
           Pig?  No, sandwiches.  The pig tossing
           sandwiches wouldn't work!
 

CUT TO:

15    EXT.LIZARD SUNNING ITSELF ON A ROCK

We see the STOCK SHOT again, interrupting the current film.

CUT TO:

16    EXT.BEACH - DAY

MONKEES react to the interruption again as if there was an earthquake.

                           MICKY
                       (not amused)
           Ah, the lizard's back!

                           DAVY
                       (emphatically)
           I'm tellin' you guys, we need a story!

Before things get a little too panicky, MIKE tries to divert the men's attention away from making up a storyline.

                           MIKE
                       (rushed)
           No.  No.  We just, we just need to do--
           music!

A PIANO pops up on the beach from nowhere.  MIKE directs the others towards the PIANO.

                           MIKE
           That's it!  Come on!  We're going to play
           some music.

PETER sits down at the PIANO, while the others gather around at the back of it.  PETER starts the chords of the SONG: "Antartica" ...

17    ROMP SEQUENCE - SNOWY MOUNTAIN

We see a snowy mountain (Aspen?) and it's snowing.  We hear MONKEES singing and the camera PANS LEFT.  They are gathered around a KEYBOARD in winter clothes and SINGING.  A COUPLE and their DOG walks past them with semi-surprised expression on their face.  MONKEES keep singing a few more bars.

CUT TO:

18    INT.MONKEES' PAD, MAIN ROOM - EARLY EVENING

The Monkees are still singing in the BACKGROUND.  Now, the camera has a shot of a PLUSH MOOSE HEAD on a wall.  Camera PANS DOWN and there's a sign that has a solitary PIPE with a caption that reads "THIS IS NOT A PIPE".  Camera PANS DOWN MORE and we see another sign that has an altered cell from the ending credits of "The Monkees".  The caption reads "THIS IS NOT A BAND".  Camera PANS DOWN one more time and we see MONKEES' FINGER PUPPETS.  A HAND picks it up and carries it off.  Camera PULLS BACK and we see it is PETER in a formal outfit.  He JOINS OTHERS in front of the mirror in the MAIN ROOM.  They too are in formal outfits and correcting their looks.

                           MICKY
                       (proudly)
           Hey, did you see how that kid reacted to

           my throw-up idea?

                           MIKE
           Mick, he was eight!

                           DAVY
                       (to MICKY)
           Quit calling it that!  It's only
           confetti!

                           PETER
                       (as-a-matter-of-factly)
           It's Magic Monkee Dust!

                           MICKY
                       (inspired)
           Hey, how about calling it Magic Monkee
           Hurl?

                           DAVY
           I think eight year olds deserve better
           than that.
                       (beat)
           What's that purple dinosaur thing?

PETER pulls out previously mentioned PUPPET from behind his back.

                           PETER
                       (proudly)
           Remember these?

                           DAVY
           Precisely my point!  All that dinosaur
           thingy is one of those,
                       (indicating puppet)
           but way out of control!  I mean, you're
           talking about mesmerizing four year olds
           here!

                           MIKE
           I think Davy's right.  Just because you
           can throw a toddler by chewing with your
           mouth open, doesn't mean you should.  It's
           not exactly a reference standard.

                           PETER
                       (disappointed)
           Don't you think playing for little kids
           would be fun?

                           DAVY
           Playing for little kids is fun!  But I
           don't think we have to do anything more
           than play our music!  I mean, maybe a few
           dance steps, but other than that, we're
           the Monkees!
                       (music swells, spotlights turned
                       on, backlights turned off)
           All we need to be!

MONKEES put out their left hands in a "ta-da" manner.

19    EXT.MONKEES' PAD, STREET - NIGHT

A couple are PARKED UP in front of PAD.  The girl is sitting in the DRIVER's side, and her DATE is in the passenger's side.

                           DRIVER
                       (pointing to the pad)
           Look!  Once, hundreds of year ago, four
           guys moved into this house and went crazy,
           and never moved out!

                           DATE
                       (curiously)
           They still live there??

                           DRIVER
                       (over dramatically)
           Oh, yes!  They have chain saws, and
           hockey masks, and they chase kids!  And
           one of them, has a hatchet!
                       (slyly to DATE)
           You scared?  Wanna kiss?

Her DATE thinks she's just a little too wacko.

                           DATE
                       (emphatically)
           I'm scared of kissing you!

                           DRIVER
           Sigh.

CAMERA captures the DRIVER's side of the car.  MICKY pops his head in from the left of the screen.

                           MICKY
                       (as a matter-of-factly to camera)
           And he should be!
                       (laughs)
           Come on!

MICKY motions the camera to follow him towards the garage part of the pad.  We notice that he's carrying a clipboard and wearing a white lab coat.  MICKY talks while walking.

                           MICKY
                       (continuing to camera)
           You know, in today's world of safe sex, it
           seems we have forgotten about safe
           kissing!  Now, while not as dangerous as,
           say, bringing a toaster into the bath tub
           with you, kissing does have its perils!
           For instance, remember at the beginning of
           the show when Davy asked me for that kiss?
           Now, that was as dangerous as was bizarre!
           You know, I've seen people catch fire just
           by shaking hands!

At this time MICKY innocently approaches the MONKEEMOBILE while still talking.  Before he can continue, it HOPS UP AND DOWN.  This scares the bejeezus out of MICKY.  The door from the PAD opens and we see MIKE standing in the doorway.

                           MICKY
                       (hurt)
           Aw, Mike, the Monkeemobile jumped up!

MIKE comes out, followed by DAVY and PETER.

                           MIKE
                       (insistently)
           I'll fix it!  I'll fix it!  I promise!

MIKE adjusts something in the MONKEEMOBILE.  Then he and PETER hop in the front while DAVY and MICKY go in the back of the car.  They start to drive off.

20    EXT.STREETS OF LA - NIGHT

MONKEES in the MONKEEMOBILE head toward their gig.  MICKY's explaining what he was doing before the car jumped up.

20A   INT.MONKEEMOBILE - NIGHT

                           MICKY
           It ruined my routine.  I was doing a riff
           on the dangers of kissing.

                           DAVY
           Why?

                           MICKY
           Well, there was a couple parked out by the
           house, and the girl was doing a crazy eyed
           look there in order to scare the guy into
           kissing her!

                           DAVY
                        (nostalgic)
           And it always worked for me!

                           MICKY
           And it always worked for everybody!  I was
           just interrupting before it turned into
           'and the only good crazy person is a crazy
           person whose house is covered in toilet
           paper'!

                           DAVY
           Oh they were just tellin' ghost stories!

20B   EXT.STREETS OF LA - NIGHT

                           PERSON
           Hey, your bumper fell off!

20C   INT.MONKEEMOBILE - NIGHT

                           PETER
                      (about the dimension machine)
           How's it work?

                           MIKE
           I put it on the radio.  This is the first
           dimension.

MIKE presses BUTTON.  The SCREEN is reduced to a small CIRCLE.

                           MIKE
           Not a lot to do there, no.

SCREEN returns to normal format.

                           MIKE
           And this the second dimension.

MIKE presses BUTTON.  The SCREEN FLIPS backwards and upside  down with only two sides to the picture, front and back.

                           MIKE
           Which is flat-lined surface.

SCREEN returns to normal format.

                           MIKE
                       (pointing to the current
                      surrounding format)
           And this is the third dimension.  Which is 
           normal.
                       (beat)
           Well, Monkees normal.

                           MICKY
                      (getting a bit interested)
           Yeah, mm-hmm.

                           MIKE
           And this is the fourth dimension.

MIKE presses BUTTON.  SCREEN is transformed into a sphere and then morphs into a very wavy and ultra 3D, yet irregular, shape.

                           PETER
                       (fascinated, O.S.)
           Whoa!!

                           MICKY
                       (O.S.)
           Yeah!  Stephen Hawkins eat your heart out!

SCREEN returns to normal format.

                           MIKE
           And this is as far as I got!

                           PETER
                       (curious)
           But there's more buttons.

                           MIKE
                       (too late)
           No, wait!

PETER innocently presses another BUTTON.  We now see Monkees back IN THE SIXTIES.  Various STOCK SHOTS from the old series is inserted.

                           MIKE
                       (O.S.)
           That's the sixties button.  It changes us
           back into the sixties.  The problem is it
           changes everything else around the car for 
           a hundred yards too.

MIKE presses the 3RD DIMENSION button.

                           PETER
           What's the last one do?

                           MIKE
                       (a little unsure)
           Well, that last one is kind of, I don't
           know.  It's an odd button.  It changes one 
           object into another object.  It doesn't 
           really quite work right ...

MICKY'S face is replace by DAVY'S and returned back.

                           MIKE
                       (continued)
           The real problem is none of it stays
           completely in the car.

                           PETER
                       (impressed)
           Very Monkees!

                           MIKE
           Yeah, thanks!

                           MICKY
                      (disappointed)
           Ah, I still wish it was the way it was.

                           DAVY
           Me too!

                           MIKE
           Not even the hop?

                           MICKY
                     (a little unsure)
           Mmmmnnnay.

20D   EXT.STREETS OF LA - NIGHT

MONKEES in the MONKEEMOBILE still heading toward their gig.

20E   INT.MONKEEMOBILE - NIGHT

MIKE pops off the STEERING WHEEL and hands it to PETER.

                           MIKE
                       (to PETER)
           Here.

                           PETER
                       (a bit confused)
           Huh?

                           MIKE
           You drive.

                           PETER
           Okay.

PETER takes STEERING WHEEL and installs it on his side of the car and STARTS DRIVING.

                           MIKE
                       (yawning)
           I'm tired.

21   EXT.WMP COUNTRY CLUB, ENTRANCE - NIGHT

WIDE SHOT of the World's Most Prestigious Country Club.  We see the MONKEEMOBILE going through the gate entrance.  Camera PANS DOWN and we see a sign that reads "THE MOST PRESTIGOUS COUNTRY CLUB IN THE WORLD... NO REALLY".

22   INT.WMP COUNTRY CLUB - NIGHT

We see the MAIN ROOM being set up for the party by the employees, and guests are starting to arrive.  Camera PANS LEFT toward the LOBBY.  A GUARD is sitting at a table and the MONKEES enter.

                           GUARD
           Good evening, can I help you?

                           MICKY
           Hi, we're the Monkees!

                           GUARD
                       (enthusiastic)
           The Monkees!?
                       (laughs)
           Yeah, right and I'm Ethel Merman!

CAMERA shows only MICKY, PETER, and MIKE.  DAVY then pushes  PETER a bit from behind.  At least we think it's DAVY... in a pink suit with pants, wig, and make-up while holding a cane.

                           DAVY
                       (emphatically)
           No!  I'm Ethel Merman!

The GUARD is a bit happy about this.  DAVY continues to sing and dance to the SONG "Dance With Me" in front of a decorated backdrop.

                           GUARD
                       (very impressed)
           Outstanding!  But I still can't let you in.
                       (beat)
           Women are not allowed to wear pants!

DAVY gives the GUARD a look of contempt, and looks at the pants.  He tosses the CANE to the guard, and rips off the pants.  The guard is a bit coy when this happens.  Davy proceeds to throw the pants over his own shoulder and sashays out of the room.

CUT TO:

22A  INT.WMP COUNTRY CLUB, MAIN ROOM

                           PETER
                       (medium CU)
           That guard wasn't going to let us in!

                           MICKY
           Yeah, good thinkin', Dave!

Camera PULLS BACK and we see them at the BANDSTAND getting  ready.

                          DAVY
                      (proudly)
           Ha!  I never met a guard, yet, that wasn't
           a sucker for Ethel Merman!

                          MIKE
           Sound check?

                          MICKY
           Yeah.  Here we go, 1-2-3-4!

They proceed to perform SONG:  "Regional Girl".

23   ROMP SEQUENCE - CALVIN KLIEN MOCK

This sequence is a mock of the sepia CALVIN KLIEN ads that was seen on television.  All shots are just ONE CONTINOUS PANNING.  The ads basically had models just standing around doing nothing.  Not only models are standing around this time but also Monkees.  Davy tries to talk to several tall models; Mike proceeds to do his own thing from sheer boredom by either standing around, playing air guitar or trying to go to sleep while standing.  Micky is just singing the SONG to the camera. We also see a young man who looks like he works in an entry level position, he's on his lunch break.  There is a brief COLOR SHOT of a dressing room in the middle of all this, it's a dressing room in backstage of this television special.  We see previously seen YOUNG WOMAN and another woman talking.  Previously seen person in a TALL DOG SUIT is lounging around back-stage.

END ROMP SEQUENCE
 
 
 

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